Mixed into my watching four pre-teen softball games over two days this weekend was an ever rarer set of circumstances that just never happens any longer and in some ways it’s for the best and in other ways, its something I miss.
The girls and I did all the food shopping together this weekend for the first time in years.
Now for the uninitiated to the inner workings of our house I am very finicky about what is purchased on the consumables side. I make a trip usually first thing Saturday morning to our local produce store for fruits and vegetables. They also have fresh-cut meats there so I pick up proteins there as well. If the line permits I also hit the deli counter here, otherwise there is an Italian specialty shop next door to my dry cleaner. On Sunday night – usually after dinner while the girls are hitting the shower – I make a run to the local supermarket to fill in on the rest of the stuff (milk, juice, bread etc).
Perhaps not the most efficient way to keep the house stocked, but it works and I think we get a better quality of meats and produce.
Because of scheduling between doctor’s appointments and softball I could not get to the produce store first thing Saturday morning. Instead, the girls and I had to return our rental skis and since we were there we made a quick stop in. It had been so long since 11.5 was there she even commented that it had been awhile.
Tonight after the fourth of the four softball games I asked the girls if either of them wanted to hit the supermarket with me. Usually this is a rhetorical question, instead 9.0 said she was in. After a little convincing, 11.5 went with us too.
There were not comments about how long its been since we all went to the store, but I can honestly say I do not remember the last time I took them both to all the weekend shopping. Call it a throwback weekend-go figure.
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As I mentioned yesterday, the schedule this weekend is a mess, and the eventuality that would not help the most occurred, a rain out of 9.0′s softball game. The funny thing about the rain out is it came as the sun came out for the first time all day. I guess the fields were not in safe and playable condition…
Anyway, with a suddenly open night with the girls (I was work from home on Friday) we set out to begin chipping away at the next major hurdle that looms, the camp checklist 2012 edition. In a four-hour excursion we hit three stand-alone stores, four or five places at the mall and dinner. The haul was rain boots, rain coats (you have no idea how tough it is to find these items), sandals, flip-flops and socks. Plus a nice dinner at Bobby Flay’s burger place.
Before going out, the girls did an inventory of shorts, t-shirts and bathing suits and I think we are all good there, so we are pretty close to being shopping complete for camp.
When all is said and done I can easily say I used my time wisely and we accomplished a lot.
But then came the nagging feeling the while we accomplished a lot, could the “found” time have been better utilized? In one semi-failed relationship, one not started relationship and one I can’t figure out what is going on relationship-time and scheduling have been at the crux of the breakdowns. Largely the way I schedule time and the lack of time I schedule for myself.
So, yes I was a good parent and we did a lot. But was I as good to myself as I could be? As I looked back in the mirror this morning brushing my teeth (I did not shave) I thought about this and all in all I am good with where I’m at and what I’ve done and will do over the course of this weekend and into next month.
The girls and I are a package. We are all in this together and anyone who wants to be in has to understand this.
Heading into the weekend-with the weather forecast not good, I am kind of hoping to be able to make it through all the softball games, the recent spate of rain outs has made my carefully balanced schedule a mess. Sometimes it’s like being in a maze, and trying to find the way out.
So, all things being equal, it’s 9.0 softball tonight, a double-header tomorrow with 11.5 at 3:45 and 9.0 at 6. We wrap the softball weekend up Sunday morning with 11.5′s game at 9AM-which is usually when my weekly softball game is. So that’s not happening already.
All of this is to make up for games lost this week to random changes and rainouts. Despite losing the entire weekend to softball-it’s better than trying to juggle more during the week.
And speaking of during the week, it was a kind of eventful as it ended.
A friend and co-worker gave his notice that he was leaving, so we rolled out for a farewell event Wednesday night. Yeah, we had a few too many but we both made our way back to Penn Station. He went left to the NJ Transit side, and I went downstairs to the LIRR after saying good night. By the time I sat down on my train, my friend committed the greatest sin of corporate life in 2012-drunk emailing. Despite having two days left to go he was fired.
As for me, my Thursday morning was tough. I got the girls out with their breakfasts as usual, and made my way (with a hangover) to the train. Then the effect of drinking on me-I left my bag with my laptop and train ticket at home. So back into the car and back home (25 minutes each way) so I could get onto a train and make it through the rest of the work week, trying to piece together how Wednesday night got so sideways.
As if that were not enough, then comes the personal side of life-where I struggle and try to learn one lesson at a time. Each time I think I have a lesson learned (this one about communication) to pieces it goes. Personal life back to the drawing board too….
Ah well, it’s the weekend. If the rain holds out, it’s about four weeks until the end of softball season.
It’s 6:30 this morning. Both girls are sort of up and moving about getting ready for school. Today is the fist day of the New York State ELA test. When they accuse teachers of teaching the test, in NY this is the one they are talking about.
As for me as I sip coffee I am rolling through my mind the mountain I will have to move between now and four this afternoon, when a second mountain needs to be moved. Today is one of those days when a two parent household could divide and conquer-with some effort but nothing Herculean.
Here, it’s a sense of keeping the balls in the air long enough to check things off the list and avoid being conquered since there is no way to divvy up the tasks.
Along with a full schedule of meetings and deliverables I will take on via VPN since there is no way I could survive the day with four hours of commuting layered in, I also need to call two doctors and set up appointments (one for me and one for 11.5).
Because of the opening day festivities for the girls softball season over the weekend I need to swing by the place 11.5 will have her Bat Mitzvah and put down the deposit and book it.
Then I need to print out the medical forms for summer camp and get them up to the pediatrician’s office (and pay off the balance for camp).
All of that needs to happen by four-because then it’s time for the second mountain. 9.5 has a dentist appointment (cavity in a baby tooth that needs to be taken care of) and straight to softball.
The reality is that’s just a lot of running around and timing to make it all work. But that all comes after a day of running around (NYC commute, home, change, 11.5 softball).
I suppose to divide some of this would be easier, but right now it’s just trying to avoid being conquered.
As we wind down the Sunday where we “spring ahead” and the days become longer-I realize now that longer days are what I need to get through the end of the school year and get the girls off to camp. The only problem is in my mind, the longer day is like another six hours, and not more sunshine in the same 24.
This weekend featured the start of the softball season for both girls. This is the third season they are playing, and I am pretty sure it started a week earlier than normal-so we’ll have to make a run to get some new gear. I had planned on that anyway, but thought I had another week.
From here its four weeks until the season starts. It looks like both will have one or two practices during the week and then a practice on Saturday. About half the mid-week practices are direct conflicts with Hebrew school, and much to 9.0′s already stated chagrin Hebrew wins during practice. During the season we’ll evaluate on a game-by-game basis.
Add into the mix is the end of the last third of the school year which includes several events that are open to parental particiaption-which I think it’s important to make so I do.
Then we have to get all the camp stuff ready which will need some counting and a bunch of shopping.
New to this year’s mix, 11.5 and I need to figure out where her Bat Mitzvah will be and put together a plan of some kind to get ready for her Bat Mitzvah next year.
And for 11.5 being in middle school this year, we add finals week to the mix so I have to evaluate child care and how to manage those days.
Oh yeah, I’ll also need to work and take care of the usual day-to-day stuff that just gets done.
So yeah, it will be nice to have more daylight. But what would be really nice is some more day.
In two separate moments yesterday I was able to quickly make a good decision and a not so good decision-and as I spent time dwelling on both (and over thinking it) I came out OK. Not completely happy, but definitely not unhappy with my performance.
Sometimes I wonder if single parents are more prone to this kind of over thinking, since there is no sounding board there. Its me alone with my thoughts.
The first chance to make a snap decision came when I found out 10.5′s softball game was cancelled. Of course this notification came 10 minutes after the scheduled start, 2.5 hours after I ran out of the office and 45 minutes after I raced home from the train station, pick up the girls and made it to the game on time. Needless to say, I could have used the notice the other team got-because no one from that team was at the game.
It would have been pretty easy for me to really go off on the league rep who was sent to deliver the news (umpires were at the game too). I had not yet fully decompressed from running around, it was hot, I was still wearing work clothes. Instead, I went the high road. I let that sit with me for a bit, and ended up sending a longish email to the league voicing my displeasure in as clear and dispassionate way I could.
Of course, I have not heard back from the league, not even a “thanks for your email, we’ll get back to you” email. Which could easily be another issue if I let it become one.
Later last night, after dinner and quick run to the supermarket, 8.5 went into the back yard to have a catch. She wants to try to be a pitcher. This is the moment where I ended up not overly happy with myself. She and I work hard on throwing and throwing to the right place. After listening to several odd excuses on why her throws were not going where she wanted them-everything from the ball slipped, to my finger hurts, to my finger nail got in the way-I tried to offer her some help with her pitching form.
She started telling me again how her bad throws were not her fault-and I ended the game. My thought at the time was after the afternoon I had, I really did not need attitude on top of everything else. She stormed off and slammed a door. I decided to sit on the couch, watch some baseball and pretend nothing happened. Not much, but its a strategy.
Eventually she came down in her PJ’s and we finished out the night.
Now, I am trying to wrestle with if I took out my frustration with the league on 8.5 and did a bad job of channeling one issue away from the other.
Timing is a skill and an art form, to be practiced diligently, and in my case apparently thought through before, during and well after.
It’s been quite a few years since I’ve been able to participate in the parental practice of divide and conquer, but I can certainly appreciate those who practice and perfect it. For the last 13 months I have been the only parent in the house-and obviously for the last four months the only parent-so it’s not a parenting method I get to leverage in the traditional sense, but I can still appreciate it and do my best to try to keep all the balls up in the air.
After living this lifestyle for more than a year now, I’ve made some concessions and some break through discoveries. I started to notice this trend a year ago that I have become more than a part-time juggler, able to adjust to a few extra balls in the air, generally keep it all afloat. I think this is something all parents do. I’ve noticed my divorced/separated friends generally have to do this but usually have the safety valve of calling the ex-spouse for help. Married couples can do the divide and conquer, you take this one here, I’ll take that one there.
For widowers, divide and conquer is having a few minutes alone to catch your breath while all the kids are squared up. Last night was a good case study at 10.5′s softball game:
At the game, I was talking with some of the other parents of kids on 10.5′s team, who were saying child 1 was here, child 2 is with spouse B at event Y. One of the parents were doing the switch at the game-where parent B would replace parent A to take child 2 to event X. the traditional form of the divide and conquer. Split the parents and the kids, and get everyone everywhere.
For me, I had 10.5′s softball and 8.5 had Hebrew and scouts. I arranged for 8.5′s carpool to drop her at the softball field, where I took her to scouts (its two miles from the field). I then raced back through a lite rain pretty sure the game was about to be canceled, to watch the last inning. Meanwhile, a friend was taking 8.5 back to her house where I could pick her up after the game. Once the final out was recorded, 10.5 and I came home and I put some dinner out for her, and then went to go reclaim 8.5.
For me, the divide was getting both girls to events and the conquer was having a few minutes of quiet time to track the Mets on the radio while darting between events and dropping kids off. It’s a victory, no raining on my parade, OK?
In talking with one of the parents today at 8.0′s softball practice I made a realization–and while I am sure I am not the first to find this out, I’ve never really equated it this way:
Saturday, I was very happy with all I got done during the day. My night fell apart on me some, but it was a strong day. From produce shopping, to dry cleaning to a check-list worth of errands done, I thought my day was pretty good.
By noon today though, I was lamenting all I still needed to get done this weekend.
What happened? How did my weekend go from productive to lacking in a 12 hour span?
Certainly none of my accomplishments were taken away from me, and certainly I was able to grow the list-including two softball practices, a successful sleepover here, getting both girls shuttled off to friend’s houses, breakfast and lunch etc…
In thinking about it, quite frankly everything for everyone got done-except for the couple of things I was looking to do-spend some non-child encumbered time out, play softball and maybe somehow sleep past 630. For the first two, it’s a matter of figuring out how to get to me time. For the sleeping late-I wish I could figure that out.
But would that keep my half full-out look for a full weekend? Probably.
But it won’t be this weekend (or next) before I figure it out.
I suppose given all that has gone on in my house since early December, a quiet mundane weekend should be appreciated. Somehow though, maybe like a runner addicted to adrenaline, I can’t help but think it was a lost weekend.
Here in the NYC area, its been cold. Unseasonably cold for early spring-which helps add to the mundane I guess.
This week science fair projects are due for both girls-the actual science fair is Friday at their school. With that looming, when I asked the girls if they had homework over the weekend and they bother answered no, I reminded them that they did-science fair projects had to get done.
Friday night, with 10.5 coughing and sneezing her way through it we hit up the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie. These are 8.0′s favorite books and she asked weeks ago to go to opening night-and since it had been a long while since I ventured out to a movie I figured why not. Plus it was a good chip–tonight movie, tomorrow science project.
What can’t be discounted though is 10.5′s coughing and sneezing, because by Saturday morning it was pretty bad, and I was starting to join in. The weather for the weekend was mostly sunny and downright cold. In fact, my men’s league softball team canceled its practice for Sunday morning. Both girls though had softball practice, and no cancellation.
Both girls spend Saturday typing up the text portion of their projects and getting them ready for display. We also chose pictures, made a quick run to CVS to get prints and hit Staples up for mounting materials.
Saturday night, 8.0 went to a friend’s house, and I put the Islanders game on-which prompted 10.5 to finish up her project. Which turns out to be a good thing because she let me know Saturday night that her teacher wants the project in on Wednesday not Friday.
After some chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, 8.0 and I (OK, mostly me) finished up her science project. It was just glueing down the pictures and the text boxes.
After that, it was 8.0 softball practice and a friend’s party-while 10.5 was mostly miserable. Normally, I would have left 10.5 at home alone during the softball practice, but given how sick she was I wanted to keep an eye on her–so she sat in the car on a 32 degree late March morning while 8.0 and her softball team took the field. The girls had to be miserable.
And throughout the morning I could feel myself getting more and more miserable too. I reached the point that I actually took a 2.5 hour nap in the middle of the day-something I never do. I was able to get 8.0 from her party to a friend’s house, when she got home she went to another friend’s home.
10.5 pretty much kept planted on the couch-iPod in hand with plenty of Sponge Bob to keep her entertained. I did some quick math-it was possible I could get them fed, showered, do some grocery shopping, go through school bags and take out the garbage all before 830. I was all about it.
Nothing special…mostly mundane. A lot done and all of it a struggle.
Ah, the mundane…
There is probably some poetic justice that I can’t completely articulate in the start of the softball sprint coming on the last day off my beloved Mets have in spring training–so while the Mets will be enjoying a day off in the Florida sunshine, I will be taking 10.5 to her first softball practice on what will no doubt be a chilly and windy field. 8.0 missed her team’s first practice over the weekend, but she gets out next weekend-and off we go on a 10 week, high stress run around ball fields near where we live.
Last season was the first for the girls playing, and I think all in all they enjoyed it. And I kind of knew what I was getting myself into, but it turned out to be far more-jetting three miles between games, racing a thunderstorm up the road, sitting in the uncomfortable portable bleachers for five straight hours, the highly unlikely 27-run outburst by a team of 7 and 8 year olds in the top of the last inning….and on it seemed to go.
For me, the girls softball season has been a benchmark for my mantra of keeping things normal for them-taking on what I can to make sure their childhood is happy, and just like the rest of their friends. Its a sacrifice I have knowingly made but its a long season.
So, at 530 tonight, 10.5 takes the field with her new team (the Blue Jays) and my spring training will begin. Games, practices, jugging appointments, figuring out what’s for dinner and when-fun times I suppose. Now if only the weather would warm up another 10 degrees.
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