In the world of single parenting-speaking broadly you can categorize single parents into two groups: widows and divorce/separated. There is far more nuance than this I know but at a high level there is a dividing line. The groups can then get further sub-divided.
These Hallmark made holidays like Mother’s Day for me and my crew (the same can be said for some friends about Father’s Day) pose a unique set of challenges. Frankly it’s not an overly easy day (or week given the in-school emphasis) to get through.
This year in school, 9.5 had a little bit of an issue that I instructed the school was not an issue and they could deal with themselves and to leave my daughter alone. That being said, there still is the day to manage.
Last year (our first motherless Mother’s Day), I intentionally ignored the day. I kept the girls busy throughout the day, we did a bunch of cool stuff and I let the day pass with hardly a mention of Mother’s Day. I was pretty sure that strategy would not work again this year, and then with the call from school added in I needed to regroup.
After some thought and hearing from others who are widowed, I decided the balloon-a-gram approach. I talked to the girls on Thursday about getting some balloons and writing notes to mommy. We’d then tie the notes to the balloons and set them free.
So, this morning we did just that. The rule was you could share the note or not, it was completely up to the author. I offered up my note to both girls. Only 9.5 read it. 11.5 declined the invitation. Neither girl officially showed me their note. However, more than 15 years as a working journalist, one of the skills I mastered was reading upside down.
I tried not to be obvious and to respect the privacy of the girls. But I did want to watch for any signs of other issues I had to deal with. Happily there are none that I saw from the notes. What did strike me is that both girls made reference to heaven near the top of their notes.
This is not something they would get from me. I am fine with the thought process, I never want to invoke my thoughts on religion and spirituality upon them. Each of us told Risa that we’re doing OK and we missed her lots. 11.5 in a much longer note also wrote that she was happy that any suffering she was doing ended.
With some welled up tears away went the balloons. 9.5 even taped a piece of chocolate to hers.
And so, balloon-a-grams away-and into a non-Hallmark Sunday we go.
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Friday night for me was spent in the gym at the middle school where 11.5 and her friend did a short dance routine for the middle school talent show. They had 28 acts total, and the show took a little more than two hours to complete. Now, I did not stay for the whole thing, I was there for about 8 acts including 11.5′s.
From what I saw it was about what could be expected. Some good acts, some that left you wondering and mostly kids enjoying themselves. I give them all credit just for getting up and performing.
But this is about a different revelation I had at the show last night. The school administrator in charge was the assistant principal of the school, who frankly the couple of times I’ve spoken with him seems like a nice enough person. Yet there he was at the microphone welcoming parents, siblings and a healthy part of the middle school student body to the show-and left me scratching my head.
First came the line:
There are approximately 49 students taking part in the show tonight
This leaves me wondering couple of things. First, I would expect the school to know exactly how many kids are participating. Counting, beyond being a basic function of school seems to be a safety thing. Count how many kids, keep count etc. Beyond that, way back when I was in school, as it pertains to math the word approximately has a specific meaning:
Approximation usually occurs when an exact form or an exact numerical number is unknown or difficult to obtain. However some known form may exist and may be able to represent the real form so that no significant deviation can be found.
Based on math of the day when I was in sixth grade (circa 1979) the approximation would be, “There are approximately 50 kids performing tonight.”
I would have been OK with this faux pas of language and math skills, if it was not almost immediately followed by this gem:
We have to thank the PTO for ascertaining the stage for this show tonight
Ascertaining? Really? This guy mingles among the students (my daughter included) and helps guide the teacher and this is what he has to offer microphone in hand. Ascertaining?
To be sure I was not over thinking I checked dictionary.com and ascertaining means:
to find out definitely; learn with certainty or assurance;determine: to ascertain the facts.
Now clearly the school deuce meant “obtaining” and without sitting through the approximation twist of language I could have let it all slide. Instead, I have to wonder what other linguistic gems are spewed via microphone. It’s no wonder I spend a lot of time defining words that I think are pretty straight forward for a sixth grader-the language gets butchered at school.
One of the moments parents of any stripe have to judge and think about is discipline and sending a message to our kids about what is expected, what is accepted and when expectations are not met, what is the consequence. Over time I’ve found this gets measured based on the maturity of my children, the importance of the infraction – rarely though do I consider the consequence because even if there’s a right outcome the path to getting there may not be the way to go.
One of the advantages of a dual parent household is the two can play off of one another, so there is not just one voice of discipline. Classic good cop/bad cop approach. This helps changing the voice and tone of discipline and correction and I believe stops the children from tuning out.
In a non-child involved way I saw this last night. At a friend’s house to kill some time before reclaiming both girls from different events my friend was lamenting that one of his dog’s had tuned him out because for the last few weeks all the dog had heard was “dumb dog” from him. My thesis here is that children can be the same way (but obviously not dogs).
Case one is 11.5 who desperately wants to be a teenager. And that’s fine. What is not fine is her occasional need to tell stories for no reason at all. This week our sitter asked her to call me before a friend came over mid-week for dinner. Generally, if homework is done and the sitter is OK with it, it’s not a problem. But the rule is, there has to be a call to me because I want to know who’s in the house and what is going on. When asked if she called me, 11.5 said yes. There was no call. Needless to say when I got home a little after 10 (it was Wing Night), I was surprised to find out that a friend was over.
Thursday morning, I quietly confronted 11.5 out of earshot of 9.0 and she knew right away what was wrong. She lost her iPod at least for the weekend, maybe into next week. Seems about right.
Then there is 9.0 who is somewhere between wanting to be 12 and staying a kid. She asked (ok begged) if she could walk from her school to a local ice cream place on Friday afternoon after school. It’s about half a mile between spots. I didn’t let 11.5 do this until she was in fifth grade. 9.0 in fourth grade gets the younger child advantage here. So I let her go. The plan was a walk to the ice cream place and then her friend’s father was going to pick them up and take them back to the friend’s house. For 9.0 this was going to roll into a sleepover (been there done that) so I had her pack her overnight bag Thursday night.
The deal was 9.0 would text me when they got to the ice cream place. Got that text about 20 minutes after school let out. Things are going well. Then she had to text me when they got to the friend’s house. At 5 there was no text. At 530 I called her cell phone-no answer. At 545 I called her cell phone-no answer. At 6 I called the friend’s house. ”I forgot,” was the response.
No sleepover. The explanation being you don’t want to be treated like a child and do things like walking to the ice cream place then you need to follow instructions.
Now, I am not overly naive here. I am pretty sure 11.5 will get caught up in another stupid lie that really serves no purpose, and I am sure 9.0 will offer up “I forgot” as the excuse, both probably before the weekend ends. Hopefully though they learned that there are expectations and acceptable outcomes and consequences for failure to hold up their end. We’ll see.
It happened again. Got out of the subway and there was the vibration of voicemail on my iPhone. took a look at the missed calls-it was the school nurse. And so another day went from normal to flipped on its head.
This time it was 11.5 with a stomach bug of some kind. I tried to get hold of the sitter-but could not track her down, so it was jump a train and make the run or hope to hear back from the sitter…
Back down the subway steps and back to Penn Station I went.
Just once I wish that call would come before I got on the train, or maybe half way through my trip. But it never does.
Upshot-11.5 is feeling better. Looks like it’s school tomorrow for her and since my Thursday was such a mess, I’m back in the office on Friday-going to try it again.
That call is still the toughest element to handle as a single parent. I’m pretty sure at this point I can plan for just about anything-but undoing the plans is often my undoing. I’m not sure its supposed to get better or easier, thankfully it’s generally infrequent.
Three months ago 9.0 started playing the violin in school as part of the music program in the school. There is a lot of significance to this on a lot of levels. Probably the most important reason for her is that her mom played the violin and viola (I think through college), and her instruments are still in the house.
I think secondary is a point of differentiation for her. When 11.5 was in fourth grade she tried the clarinet and never really took to it. It’s important to 9.0 to succeed at something on her own too.
When she started playing the violin in November, she asked about taking private lessons too. I made a deal with her in November that will begin to be fulfilled today. I told her if she practiced and enjoyed the violin, I would sign her up for lessons “in a few months.”
Three months later, we are off to private lesson one. Fortunately there is a place not far from the house with a great reputation for teaching-so off we will go. For now, I’ve committed to five weeks-but I think this will go through the end of the school year. She’ll have the summer off for camp.
In the meantime, I’m thinking about finding out what it takes to restore a violin-assuming 9.0 remains avid about the instrument, playing her mom’s violin I think would be very special. I think that will be a summer project.
I got word last night that an old friend and colleague passed away after what must have been a gut wrenching time for her family. Nicole Nogid and I worked together what seems like a lifetime ago at News 12 Long Island.
Over the years, since we both left News 12 (and I did a return stint) and moved on with our lives, we did not stay particularly close, but from time to time we did manage to get in touch by email, the rare call and more recently (and more often) via Facebook or LinkedIn.
There are so many eloquent things that have been said about Nicole-and many of my former colleagues from my first News 12 Long Island days are saying them now-her smile, her laugh, her great disposition-I won’t try to echo those memories. They are true, very real and very much capture Nicole.
Along with a great working relationship (and a couple of local Emmy awards), Nicole and I shared a point in our lives that I know from my side very few know about. At about the same time I was working through the mental hopscotch of proposing to my wife, Nicole was in the process of becoming engaged and married.
For very different reasons neither of us had a great outcome to our married lives.
But I will always remember Nicole for taking the time to help me through the process of getting there-I am not sure I could have done it without out her.
We spent a lot of time-after working on scripts and editing video (Roosevelt School District stories for those with long memories) talking about relationships-which neither of us were very good at.
Over the New Year weekend, someone close to me joked that I compartmentalize things-I have a woman I go see when I need jewelry, there’s the woman who helps me at the dry cleaner, there’s the guy at the butcher counter at the produce and meat stores-and in that moment in time, there was Nicole the woman helping me a huge decision.
While life is not perfect-and Nicole would certainly admit to that as freely as I do-mine is better for having known Nicole. Thank you.
There certainly is no shortage of lists that try to tie 2011 together in a neat bow. There are lists for almost everything including a list of lists, then there are lists for music, TV shows, web sites, search terms…you name it, there’s a list. Hell, even I made a list for 2011, so there truly is a list for everything, right?
This blog post though, won’t be another 2011 list.
When I think about 2011 I think about it in different terms. This year, for the first time in more than 10 years there wasn’t a “what if” cloud hanging over us. There was no shudder each time the phone rang that this was going to be “the” call.
Instead, for us, 2011 was about stability and finding a rhythm.
Things weren’t perfect, there was a lot of trial and error, but all in all it worked out and 2012 should be even better-because there was a lot we all learned about ourselves in 2011.
When I look back-I can see how quickly the year went by. January to June was a run up to camp. Along the way was softball, skiing and a lot of figuring out how to manage through the end of 2010 and the changes we all lived through.
Things slowed down a bit in the summer-as the girls were off at camp, and the break was needed. We did get some work done in the house and I managed to successfully navigate the world of hardwood flooring choices and paint samples (what an awful process that is for sure).
Once camp was over was a quick roll up to school-which for me meant a trip (or three) to th mall for back to school shopping.
In a rare first for me at least, I managed to get a little ahead with holiday shopping-and I can say it now, at the end of August I bought two pairs of Ugg boots-a huge Chanukkah hit here in the house. I can say now, I had 8 gifts-ranging from the boots, to cell phones, to Broadway show tickets with two weeks to spare.
During all that time-both girls were doing well in school. We introduced a full-time sitter in the house to keep the stability….
And collectively we take a break now heading to 2012-and hopefully head into a year of more of the same-because all in all, 2011 didn’t suck.
So there’s no list for the single dad, there’s not Auld Lang Syne playing in the background…instead we tip our hats collectively to the year that was…and we hope that you and your friends and families join us in 2012.
What started out as a normal Wednesday somehow went awry with a single phone call-and the simple phrase, “Dad, I just want to remind you…”
On the phone was 11.0. The call came at about 3:15 this afternoon-and the reminder was that she had her school’s winter concert for chorus and band that night. She needed to be at the high school at 7 and the show started at 7:30.
Almost reflexively I reminded her that in order to remind someone of something you first need to tell them about it.
But after that came the on-the-spot mental logistics exercise. I have to get her to the high school by 7. I have to make my way out of the city and to the high school no later than 7:30-earlier if possible. In the middle of all of that, 9.0 has Hebrew school and Girl Scouts.
After thinking it through, the timing and locations work-I can have the sitter do the transportation-Girl Scouts also meets at the high school, so it just may work. At about 7:10 I roll up to the school and find 11.0 to say hi and take a seat.
Mission accomplished-guess it was a good thing I got that reminder, right?
Any parent in any situation knows all too well that being a parent is a full-time job. 24/7, we never close.
A single parent will tell you sometimes the job is more than 24/7-because you constantly have to look ahead and try to figure out how to make disparate parts come together.
Between work, home, school, religious school, after school activities, family obligations and holidays there is a lot to have to juggle and keep moving ahead in a connected (and hopefully well thought out) way.
And then come the surprises.
11.0 needs to go to a specialist today for a relatively minor issue and it causes a ripple across the entire ecosystem. A day off from work, out of school early, impact on after school activities-and oh yeah, all the stuff for tomorrow and the next day need to stay on track.
UPDATE:
As expected, 11.0 is on a watch program. Have to build in visits to the orthopedic doctor every three months for the next couple of years. That seems viable, right?
Traditional, two parent couples can do the divide an conquer. It’s still a lot to manage-no slight to anyone. But let’s face it, the tasks can be split in some way that makes sense for that family. Even in a divorce/separated situation-there is a likelihood if not more that when the true new wrinkle comes up there is a way to ease the impact.
For widowed folks, we can ask family or friends to help-and I am a lot better about that-but still keeping the trains running on time and making it all fit together falls onto one person.
So, here I am on PTO from work waiting for noon so I can go get 11.0 out of school. Of course 9.0 is upset because she doesn’t get to leave school early. And without even knowing what the doctor will say, I am already plotting out what we can do to maximize the time and place we’ll be in later this afternoon….
The beat goes on.
It was an eye-opening bike ride late this morning when 9.0 and I set out for a short ride with her friend from across the street. The differences between boys and girls became pretty clear.
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