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It’s 6:30 this morning. Both girls are sort of up and moving about getting ready for school. Today is the fist day of the New York State ELA test. When they accuse teachers of teaching the test, in NY this is the one they are talking about.
As for me as I sip coffee I am rolling through my mind the mountain I will have to move between now and four this afternoon, when a second mountain needs to be moved. Today is one of those days when a two parent household could divide and conquer-with some effort but nothing Herculean.
Here, it’s a sense of keeping the balls in the air long enough to check things off the list and avoid being conquered since there is no way to divvy up the tasks.
Along with a full schedule of meetings and deliverables I will take on via VPN since there is no way I could survive the day with four hours of commuting layered in, I also need to call two doctors and set up appointments (one for me and one for 11.5).
Because of the opening day festivities for the girls softball season over the weekend I need to swing by the place 11.5 will have her Bat Mitzvah and put down the deposit and book it.
Then I need to print out the medical forms for summer camp and get them up to the pediatrician’s office (and pay off the balance for camp).
All of that needs to happen by four-because then it’s time for the second mountain. 9.5 has a dentist appointment (cavity in a baby tooth that needs to be taken care of) and straight to softball.
The reality is that’s just a lot of running around and timing to make it all work. But that all comes after a day of running around (NYC commute, home, change, 11.5 softball).
I suppose to divide some of this would be easier, but right now it’s just trying to avoid being conquered.
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Going back over the years, one thing I have learned is that it’s best to be prepared and be ready-it’s easier to adjust plans than to be caught in a moment and not be ready. For better or worse, the girls have come to expect it from me (as I have too) and it’s perceptibly uncomfortable when it doesn’t happen.
Twice this week, the elements of planning and being ready has come up. In once instance involving 11.5 its a wait and see. In the other case involving 9.0 we’re ready to go ahead.
In case you have not noticed (I have seen it), it’s Science Fair season. Time for the tri-fold board. Time for some pictures glued to the board. Time for some Power-Point printed out. A sure sign that winter is dove tailing to spring.
Now, in our house for science fair, I do not accept the clean penny, which laundry detergent is better or powering up a small city from a potato. If the girls can’t build a Peter Brady-esque volcano, then their science fair project will have to mean something to them. After a few weeks of asking, I think 9.0 has a good one and more importantly it’s one she is looking forward to doing. More on the science fair project in the weeks to come.
For 11.5, there was a brush with another sure sign of adolescence setting in-but alas, it was a false alarm.
It started when I walked in the door from work last Monday and was greeted with, “Dad, my stomach has cramps.” With 9,0 listening in, I downplayed it, with the feeling that I knew where this conversation was going. Since 9.0 is not there yet, I figured this would be a better one to keep on the DL, so we went with a generic story until I could talk with her.
As best a guy can do, I have prepared 11.5 for this eventuality. She knows where the tools are. She knows what to expect and she knows who she can talk to and how to let me know what is going on. This week it was a false alarm, but a good run through to make sure all the pieces are in places.
Ready or not, tomorrow will be a new day. All I can do is be ready I suppose.
It’s reality check Sunday here. Sitting out in the near future (excuse or enjoy the metaphor) like a giant Matzah ball is 11.5′s Bat Mitzvah. We know the date, we’ve known it for more than a couple of months. Still today was the official “kick-off” meeting at the temple for parents with children getting Bar or Bat Mitzvah in 2013.
And so the clock officially starts to tick.
Ready or not. We’ll have to pull a list together and figure out where to have the party (11.5 wants the full-on event, as of now 9.0 is thinking a nice get away). While 11.5 learns the prayers, Torah and Haftarah portions, we’ll also have to figure out flowers, invitations, party favors, party entertainment, dresses, shoes and I am sure a myriad of other stuff.
Some of it I am probably pretty qualified to help out with. I’m pretty sure I can help 11.5 with her speech and her Mitzvah project. I am reasonably sure on the actual party planning and finding the right entertainment package.
Flowers and dresses-well that’s going to be a problem.
Seating arrangements? There are still people who remind me how unhappy they were about seating at my wedding.
Then there is the other issue that I have to sort out-how to invoke Risa but not make it the focus of the event.
Ready or not, here we go.
Flipping through the Sunday Times (as I try to do each week), I stumbled upon (OK, in full disclosure this was handed to me more than I stumbled upon it) an interesting read in the Modern Love column by Dean Murphy who is listed as a New York Times editor. Now I do not know Dean to the best of my knowledge. But we do share the bond of being widowed with children at home.
According to the column, the Murphy’s lost their wife/mother a short time after a cancer diagnosis and just months before the Murphy;s would celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The vehicle of the column is how Dean kind of steps outside of himself as tears well up in his eyes watching the wedding video with his kids.
It’s a great read and is full of the insight that a single parent will have-that it’s a constant struggle to stay balanced.
The other memory this column kicked off for me though is the story of my wedding video, and I’ll kill the punchline now, it’s never been watched.
I am not an overly nostalgic. I am not really one to look back at pictures or videos anyway. But in the case of the wedding video, it was a kind of strange time-stranger than most go through for their wedding and year after and that could be among the reasons why the video has never been viewed.
Somewhere in the midst of the diagnosis and the first surgery we got the wedding video. At the time we decided very consciously not to watch it. We would watch it for our second anniversary-the surgery would be behind us and life would be ahead of us.
What we didn’t know, or didn’t hear about brain tumors though was that life was never really ahead of us. There was post diagnosis and post surgery life-13 years in fact. But that life was a constant cycle of tests and scans and doctors appointments. All those plans-including watching the video were kind of forgotten.
2012 would be our 15th wedding anniversary. The video is still in its white box. It’s been packed and unpacked many times.
And it remains un-played. Maybe I should transfer it to DVD or some other digital format, although I am still not sure if viewing it is in my future. Maybe the girls will ask about it, and I’ll pull it out. I’m not sure.
For now though, I know where it is.
As we finish the middle third of the holiday break, I’m reminded once again of the true juggling act it takes to plan for three people, and then to mesh those plans with others-it becomes a bit of a ballet that requires some precision. But there is also a varying degree of plans and planning that I’ll try to accomplish versus others. (I am avoiding adding labels of a single parent versus a non-single parent for now because I am just not sure).
Whether it’s a day with family in the city or a quick get away with the girls the first hurdle is coordinating our schedules. There are demands from friends to compete with, the random work call or email to juggle (even during a vacation) and just setting and measuring expectations.
Then comes meshing that schedule with people you are going to see. If it’s a day out it’s a question of meals, meeting places and making sure everyone will find the day fulfilling. If it’s a longer visit, there’s packing, travel time and the elusive setting and measuring expectations-as well as the sometimes daunting trip to navigate.
So this holiday break, after three days of planned events, comes three days of pretty laid back time. The girls are mostly on their own to make their own plans. But even then, there comes a certain amount of having to mesh the individual plans they make with the ebb and flow of the house.
I guess as a single parent one up side to all of that is there really is not a check and balance-I get to use whatever semblance of judgement I care to at that moment to validate or repudiate plans and proposals.
The downside to that is that when it comes time to say no, or have to re-think plans it’s on me as well.
Any parent in any situation knows all too well that being a parent is a full-time job. 24/7, we never close.
A single parent will tell you sometimes the job is more than 24/7-because you constantly have to look ahead and try to figure out how to make disparate parts come together.
Between work, home, school, religious school, after school activities, family obligations and holidays there is a lot to have to juggle and keep moving ahead in a connected (and hopefully well thought out) way.
And then come the surprises.
11.0 needs to go to a specialist today for a relatively minor issue and it causes a ripple across the entire ecosystem. A day off from work, out of school early, impact on after school activities-and oh yeah, all the stuff for tomorrow and the next day need to stay on track.
UPDATE:
As expected, 11.0 is on a watch program. Have to build in visits to the orthopedic doctor every three months for the next couple of years. That seems viable, right?
Traditional, two parent couples can do the divide an conquer. It’s still a lot to manage-no slight to anyone. But let’s face it, the tasks can be split in some way that makes sense for that family. Even in a divorce/separated situation-there is a likelihood if not more that when the true new wrinkle comes up there is a way to ease the impact.
For widowed folks, we can ask family or friends to help-and I am a lot better about that-but still keeping the trains running on time and making it all fit together falls onto one person.
So, here I am on PTO from work waiting for noon so I can go get 11.0 out of school. Of course 9.0 is upset because she doesn’t get to leave school early. And without even knowing what the doctor will say, I am already plotting out what we can do to maximize the time and place we’ll be in later this afternoon….
The beat goes on.
While getting the girls ready to go away to camp, I was also (mentally) preparing the list of things I wanted to do while they were gone. It’s a sizable list including some home improvement projects, some cleaning, some organizing and oh yeah, taking some time to myself to unwind.
So far, and its only two weeks in with six to go, I would say I am doing OK. Getting things done, making calls and really trying to check things off the list.
And this is one of those moments where I spend much too much time over-thinking and in my own head: I keep thinking I could be doing more, or doing what I am doing more efficiently. Somewhere somehow during the next six weeks, I need to find a way to downshift from over-drive and find a happy rhythm.
Maybe when there is visible and tangible evidence of progress I’ll be able to say job well done.
Until then though, even if it’s not at 100 MPH, it’s still full speed ahead, trying to get things done and make today better than yesterday because time keeps on slipping into the future.
I freely admit that I remain deeply perplexed by birthdays. I really do struggle with them-and not just mine, my kids, the people close to me, co-workers, the guy in Friday’s when they all start clapping hands. I truly miss the point.
For a very long time, I struggled to even recognize my birthdays’ not that I am averse to getting older mind you. Its more just a compilation of events and happenings-I’d rather grow older and have another day.
Today is my older daughter’s birthday, and its a big day for her and I get that and understand that. In fact I want it to be a special day for her. The problem is that really until last year, making sure gifts were purchased and wrapped, parties at least planned and thought about and at least concepts handled were my wife’s job.
Last year when it fell to me, I can say in two tries I did not do a great job I’ve tried to be more proactive about it this year. Still its a scramble to get it done and I am not sure I am doing anyone a service.
While I planned 11.0′s birthday dinner a few weeks ago, and have the friends and place all lined up-I kind of stopped there. I had to pick up cards last night and a gift today. Hell, I even knew what I was getting and I still waited.
In spending some time thinking about this, I think the issue is mine, and my aversion to birthday’s. Is it possible I’ve been so averse to birthday’s for so long I’ve completely lost touch? I’m truly not sure its quite that dire, but it also can’t be natural to have to scramble for an event you know is coming. I can tell you right now, 11.0 will have a birthday on 6/6/2012-will I be any more ready then than I am now?
Its Monday, and I already have the sense that it will be a long week ahead. The biggest culprit I think is poor planning on my part-pure and simple. The good news, its been a while since I butchered planning as much as I did this week. The bad news, it’s going to take extra work to keep all the balls in the air in my daily and weekly juggling act.
A lot of the impacts, trials and tribulations I have with planning and juggling are chronicled here and here.
I should have realized I was in for it last week when I realized I booked an important meeting early in the afternoon in the city on a day I did not book a sitter. Really, that’s a rookie mistake right there, and its been pretty much a struggle to keep up with the scheduling faux pas since.
Both girls have softball tomorrow, and I will be in the city at game time so for the first time in two seasons, the sitter will have to bring the girls to a game. 10.5 had a softball practice, and I completely did not plan to have 8.0 dropped at the field from Hebrew school so I had to make that run as well.
And today is only Monday. The LIRR has not had a chance to mess with timing, there is the “heightened” security because of the death of UBL which can only mean extended delays commuting around the city, and oh yeah, POTUS is coming to town, that never actually helps.
On the bright side, Monday is mostly over, one down and four to go.
While it sounds simple, for the last 18 months or so I’ve tried to focus on getting day-to-day for me and the girls, and along the way doing the best I can to make today better than yesterday. And I’ve tried to help the girls understand this philosophy and implement it in their day-to-day as well. Along the way there have been successes and failures. By my rough count-we come out ahead though; more wins than losses.
I paid my doctor a visit yesterday-it has been a while, and as I was giving the nurse the updates on my history, I told her I was now widowed and we discussed that briefly. A little later in the discourse came the discussion of , “What meds do you take?”
I am not one to take meds needlessly. In fact, even when the girls are sick, if it’s just a cold I really don’t medicate them, and almost never give them antibiotics. It’s a personal choice. So, when she asked me what meds I was on, I answered Zyrtec for my allergies. Her response was, “Are you sure?”
I was pretty sure, so I asked her if she had anything good I could try. She then told me she was expecting me to say some course of antidepressants. And I was taken aback by that. I’ve never even thought about needing that. It’s just never been a part of my thought process. Mind you, I am in weekly therapy, and the girls between school and private go twice a week-and yet I just have never even thought about it.
Which made me ask if she thought I needed it. Her response was, “Men are good at hiding their emotions anyway.” I am barely in my doctor’s office once a year, so there is no real way the nurse there would know my baseline, so I let the whole conversation slide-but it does make me think…
Am I too focused on the moment? Is it time to start thinking about tomorrow and next week and pull the focus away from what is happening now?
There is a good case to be built for that-for too long my focus has been on making sure today is a good day that we are missing out on what is ahead; not taking advantage of all there is.
But that said, there is still so much complexity in the here and now that I don’t think in total we would be doing as well without focusing on it.
So onward we go, perhaps over simplified-but when all is said and one, today will be better than yesterday.
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