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With all the comings and goings on the start of the month over-even though the holidays loom just ahead somehow it’s easier to sit back now and just deal with the day-to-day.
The best context I have for that is from my newsroom days after breaking news where you try to get back to the humdrum of the day. Yeah, there’s still a lot you have to do but that extra pull is not there, the adrenaline rush has subsided and we are back to our regular programming.
For us here at home, it’s not the worst thing at all-to just go about it in mostly regular fashion. Getting holiday gifts, checking the lists and all the other stuff.
But I have to wonder if every December will have the edge that this year did, or without the events if it gets a little easier. I suppose at this point, I have 11 months to figure out that question. In the meantime, it’s all about getting through the holidays (because that’s a marathon under any circumstance), and then time to start thinking about camp and camp supplies-as the six month push to get ready gets started.
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The girls are home, and within hours we’re back to what is our normal. I think that’s a good thing, right?
It was a very long day for me-which included a trip to the Stop and Shop early, and then a family event before making a run out to Adelphi to get the girls. The back drop for the day was near torrential and continuous rain, which for the start of the day was appropriate.
I got to the camp bus drop off point about 20 minutes ahead of scheduled drop off, and given the vagaries of the weather and the nature of leaving upstate and making stops in New Jersey and Westchester first-I figured at least 40 minutes late. Which was not all that bad since it would give me a few minutes to transition from cemetery and unveiling to being ready to hear camp stories.
Buses were on time, so time to be on.
The ride home was kind of amazing really, listening to the back and forth banter and a near constant stream of stories of color war (last week) and random camp moments from the 8 weeks that were. Both girls said it went too quick and both are ready to go back next year. And all things being equal, they can count on it. I think the break did wonders for all of us.
And based on today, and the unveiling, I think I need to put more thought into how I am going to handle Risa’s. While not an overtly religious event or steeped in Jewish lore-it is emotional (albeit short). But that is a conundrum for another day.
For now, 8.5 is across the street with her friend (he met them on the porch as we pulled up). 11.0 has retreated to her room (BTW, HUGE score on the fresh paint) with her bestie. It’s a summer Sunday and we’re back to normal.
There is probably some poetic justice that I can’t completely articulate in the start of the softball sprint coming on the last day off my beloved Mets have in spring training–so while the Mets will be enjoying a day off in the Florida sunshine, I will be taking 10.5 to her first softball practice on what will no doubt be a chilly and windy field. 8.0 missed her team’s first practice over the weekend, but she gets out next weekend-and off we go on a 10 week, high stress run around ball fields near where we live.
Last season was the first for the girls playing, and I think all in all they enjoyed it. And I kind of knew what I was getting myself into, but it turned out to be far more-jetting three miles between games, racing a thunderstorm up the road, sitting in the uncomfortable portable bleachers for five straight hours, the highly unlikely 27-run outburst by a team of 7 and 8 year olds in the top of the last inning….and on it seemed to go.
For me, the girls softball season has been a benchmark for my mantra of keeping things normal for them-taking on what I can to make sure their childhood is happy, and just like the rest of their friends. Its a sacrifice I have knowingly made but its a long season.
So, at 530 tonight, 10.5 takes the field with her new team (the Blue Jays) and my spring training will begin. Games, practices, jugging appointments, figuring out what’s for dinner and when-fun times I suppose. Now if only the weather would warm up another 10 degrees.
To anyone who has read this blog for the last year-and those who are newer readers-this is one in a continuing series of updates about my somewhat reluctant (and some would say improbable) journey into spiritualism. Some of the background is here, so I won’t bore all with the details.
(For the new readers, among the struggles I have dealt with over the last year plus is finding a therapist I was willing to talk with. I’ve managed to find comfort in a non-traditional therapy set up, where there is some talking, some meditation and some work on breathing/relaxation techniques. Let me know if you need more details).
During my therapy, every 4-6 weeks (at my request) we kind of do a check in on how deeply I can tap into my inner mind by using a pendulum I hold between thumb and forefinger. Using the power of my mind, I am now able to swing the pendulum in full circles, move it horizontally between two points and reverse it. Its a harnessing of the mind and nerve endings in my finger tips.
During my weekly session today, I was able to keep the pendulum moving while answering some simple questions–a moment where my inner mind (the 90+% we don’t use) is tapped. To me, going from the first time I tried this exercise where my mind would not accept it could do this exercise to today the change is startling.
Conceptually, through the meditation and relaxation, the hope is I can layer some of the comings and goings I encounter into new areas, and open myself (and my mind) to working through spiritually healthy conclusions-so perhaps the paper pyramid can be a little more stable.
While I can see the results of the work in real time with the pendulum, I still have my left-brain side that says this can’t be, where is the science.
During my session today, we talked a little about signs and seeing signs and getting signs. Its interesting, because its the third time in a month the concept of “signs” has been brought up-one other time in therapy, and then a few weeks ago in talking to an acquaintance who is deeply religious–and the messaging has been the same, to see the signs and be able to recognize them.
And maybe they are out there, and who knows, perhaps one day I will be able to comprehend the messaging.
Today was one of those days. I needed everything to line up just right, and for the most part it did, but there were some very tense moments where it looked like the daily pyramid was going to crumble.
I probably missed the early sign. I had to catch a train this morning no later than 732. The girls did their part-no dawdling this morning and we got to school on time. Of course the person running the program was 7 minutes late. While that does not sound like much-its my entire buffer to make it from Sound Beach to Ronkonkoma.
But I made it.
Anyone who has visited a media company in the city knows security is generally tight. For some reason this morning when I got to my first stop (on time) the security folks made two calls and got two different sets of instructions-which rippled into a 915 meeting starting at 935, although I was there at 910.
Bounced through a series of meetings mostly uneventful, and got to my last meeting of the day-where I was giving a presentation. That’s when my mobile started ringing-and it was the parents of friends of my kids calling. No way that can be good.
On the second call, I excused myself and found out my afternoon sitter was as of 5 minutes after the school bus rolled by-a no show.
So, I had to walk into a “C” level meeting and ask for a 10 minute recess. It works on Law and Order, I can only hope it works in a conference room too.
Five phones calls (and no losing my temper) later-kids are squared up and the sitter has arrived, and I can re-start my presentation. Now the problem is my flow is gone–so I am standing in front of key executives, PowerPoint fired up and I am stumbling through slides, knocked off my game.
I wanted to just lace into someone, anyone-but that’s not the way this pyramid was built today. The sands shifted. Instead, when I spoke with 10.5 and 8.0 I was relieved, and actually choked back a tear or two. They were never in danger, they did a longer ride and are none the worse for it all. But still, its just not the way its supposed to go.
I have a plan and I have the parts in place-but the fallback is still a work in progress. Another alternative to think through, another what if to consider.
So instead, I am looking ahead, tomorrow is a new day, and I get to start it all over again.
Its a Deja Vu moment
I had a bit of a deja vu moment tonight involving 8.0 and it made me think about what is normal in my house and what people see as normal.
So, the background…
A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine dropped by to hang on Sunday-and stay for dinner. After dinner, 8.0 climbed up on my lap as I was sitting on the couch. She didn’t say anything, it was completely normal here. In fact, she brought her iPod Touch with her, and started to play.
My friend (a female) took this to be 80 kind of marking her territory. I tried to tell my friend she was reading way too much into it. This is normal here.
Then tonight, deja vu. After dinner, 10.5 was taking a shower, 8.0 was putting on her PJ’s and I was folding some laundry in my room. 8.0 told me she was going to go downstairs, so I said sure, not a problem and kept folding. The trip downstairs was to get her iPod. She was back in minutes and in my room.
When I finished folding the laundry and putting it away, I laid down on my bed to watch the end of a show. 8.0 climbed up on top of me, and laid on my back, iPod in hand and just played away. When 10.5 got out of the shower and headed downstairs, it was then OK for 8.0 to actually go downstairs.
As 8.0 was laying on me, playing her iPod, I was back in the conversation with my friend. Its just normal here, quality daddy time, the daddy store is always open.
I hope a sign from God is this easy to read
In a very accidental way last night I had a very interesting conversation with an acquaintance and it left me thinking. And the place of this conversation you may wonder? The waiting room of the office where I take my kids for therapy.
Quick background: As regular readers of this blog know, I am not very spiritual or religious. My therapist however is, and she believes that everything happens for a reason–and there is a grand plan. So, I met her through an attorney who went through a similar circumstance and I met the attorney through a hospice nurse–its all interconnected.
I am not sure I believe in that. I’ve worked really hard as a person, a dad and a professional to throw my hands up and say a higher power is in charge.
There is woman who has a therapy session before my kids, who we see just about every week. We’ve chatted a little here and there and she brings home-baked stuff for the girls from time to time. She’s really a very nice person, and very devout in her love of Jesus and firmly believes we are all here to serve a higher power.
Last night, her usual good mood was replaced, and she looked like she wanted to talk some–she has issues at home and whatever other issues she talks about in therapy–I tend not to delve too deeply. So I engaged her and we got pretty deep into a religious discussion–where I mentioned how my therapist (for the record a completely different practice) believes in grand design and higher power (I did not have the heart to mention its not Jesus) and I am more than skeptical.
Clearly in life there is tons of room to debate this–I’ve suffered a lot of heart break in my life–I don’t lament it, I don’t wish God would pick on someone else, I deal with it. I look inside myself and find a way to keep moving ahead-to make tomorrow a better day than today. I believe that comes from within.
The acquaintance believes God has a grand plan and moving from day to day is a work of God. And she quoted scripture to me.
In college (it was a long time ago) I did a two semester comparative literature sequence that studied the old and new testaments side by side–so while I can’t quote scripture I can get pretty close to books and quotes and she was generally correct in her reference….
But still, I can’t see subjugating my day-to-day to a higher power and saying its the will of God. It has to come from within right? The energy used from within to look to God for all these events and happenings can be spent making a difference here and now–and not looking for signs.
She asked me to try to ask God for a sign of his presence–according to her (and she quoted Jobe which I think is wrong quote but can’t prove it one way or another), although God knows all, he wants to be asked before he will act. OK, so I will ask a few times this week for a sign….
Because as it pertains to me, she was right about something, I am at a crossroads in life, and I am deciding which path I will follow. I don’t see myself becoming the Jewish equivalent of born again but I do have choices to make-and spirituality is one of them. Right now, I am doing my best to sustain it to get my girls through Bat Mitzvah-its a promise I made to Risa and something I want for them.
But they take their cue from me on religon, and its just not me-is that the right message? I don’t know. Perhaps that’s the sign I’ll get…or maybe it will be a no U-Turn sign and its full speed forward.
One of the toughest challenges I face right now as a single parent is trying to figure out which behavior exhibited by either of my girls is “normal”and which is a result of what they have seen and lived through over the last 2-3 years. And within that is a gamut of feelings and decisions that often have to be made quickly and with a best guess.
When one falls, so go the rest
Case 1: 8.0 has been disorganized and unfocused lately both at home and at school. Her room is an embarrassing mess (almost to the point where I won’t send the bi-weekly cleaning lady in any longer). At school I get notes and emails from the teacher asking if anything is wrong.
In therapy both at home and at school, the indication is its not related to anything emotional. Yet, I can’t help but wonder.
Case 2: 10.5 has developed a near-hair trigger temper. She goes from calm to hitting and yelling (usually her sister) in no time. There is very little middle ground. This is not behavior she exhibits at school, and at home the therapist again says there is no cause and effect. Yet I can’t help but wonder.
And as we go through all of the changes and all of these behaviors, I tend to mix and match the way I react. Sometimes I just ignore it. Sometimes I come down hard and sometimes I coddle.
Of course that gets me wondering if the message is getting too mixed. It probably isn’t, but still I wonder.
For 8.0 we’ll come up with a goals chart and create a risk/reward environment to help improve organization.
For 10.5 we’ll try to eliminate the touch points that can get her upset.
And for the three of us, we’ll soldier on able to live another day.
In what has become an interesting topic of introspection lately, I am trying to figure out the best way to define in our newly re-defined family the “we,” “they” and “me.” As I do this exercise, I am pretty confident my girls are also doing a similar exercise. It will be interesting to see where we all end up.
For clarity’s sake, in this context, “we” refers to our core family unit. This is myself and the two girls (10.5 and 8.0). When there are family events or family meetings or family decisions to be made, this is the we who will get it done. ”They” refers to the two girls as a single group. This is not to say there is no singular identity for 10.5 and 8.0, I handle those direct. In this context like going to summer camp, its something “they” will do. And then there is “me.” In this context these are the times I have to deal with something, get out and be not dad, widower or anyone other than myself.
The “we” stuff while filled with its own set of issues is pretty straight forward. The most important aspect of this is to make sure we remain a cohesive family unit and are able to actually want to be with one another.
The “they’s” get a little trickier as the maturity gap between 10.5 and 8.0 grows. As noted throughout this blog, 10.5 is well on her way into pre-teen/puberty and has a lot of the pre-pubescent trimmings going for her. 8.0 just is not there yet, so it’s a struggle. Still, there are times when they are a single unit.
Then there is “me.” And it’s not an easy one. Over the weekend for the first time since my wife passed away I made plans and went out without the girls. There have been a couple of times I’ve been able to sneak in some social stuff after work–but this was the first time on a Saturday night I just went out. I could tell it was something different because 10.5 asked me, “where are we going?”
I know how important it is for me to find “me” time in this mix–and if I need to create it (and my 4AM gym run does not really count). For better or worse, for the last 14 years, even when my wife was relatively healthy there was never a time when I was not a caregiver-it was always there. I think it’s a difference between what I went through and what for instance my mother went through–with the sudden death of a spouse. Add to that the 9+ months she was in hospice–where it was kind of like living a suspended life, waiting for the call.
While that time helped create the foundation for a three person house, it’s not the same–there was not a permanence to it. While I went through stages of grieving during the ordeal, the kids I think remained hopeful at some level. Our realities changed.
So while we’ll go skiing (again) this weekend and they’ll likely have a snow day from school this week, me? I’ll let you know once I figure it out.
After a more than hectic six-week period-where frankly my therapist earned her keep things started to get back to normal, whatever that is. So, with that break in the rapid fire comings and goings it was a chance to revisit the pendulum and see just how centered I’ve become.
As anyone who has been with me since the beginning of this journey knows, first I had a really hard time finding a therapist. When I did, it was someone who was not a traditional talker–and one of the focuses was for me to become centered and find my inner balance. Thus, the rreluctant spiritualist was born.
After making small circles with the pendulum, a month later and a little more centered, the Centered Me was unleashed. Able to control the pendulum much better–tangible progress in finding balance.
A few months later, we went back to the pendulum as breathing became part of the balance.
The goal for all of this is to be able to keep the highs and lows from being all-consuming–and being able to be consistent in my approach for myself, my girls and my work.
So, last week, with a slight lull in demands it was a good chance to check the pendulum–and successfully holding it between thumb and forefinger–with my elbow on my lap around it went clockwise, full stop, counter-clockwise, full stop and then laterally and full stop.
Powered by suggestion–mind over matter. Not just making the pendulum move, but controlling its movements. Applying a centered mind and thought to a process.
Up next–is bending spoons–and being centered in my approach, I think I can.
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