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In confluence of events-some real, some personal, some probably imagined by me I took today as a WFH (work from home for the uninitiated). And overall, it was a pretty productive day work wise, and the extra hour or so I got to sleep really helped after a really long day yesterday.
Since I was home all day, I gave the sitter the day off, so it was just the girls and me all afternoon. I handled the Hebrew carpool, a quick run to Staples to begin the science fair project and I made dinner.
I think it was the first time in months the girls and I had a nice quiet meal at home during the week-kind of like a traditional family where we were able to talk about school, the day and whatever else.
An interesting and random subject that came up started with 11.5 asking, “Do you like or hate birthdays?” Now, I struggle with birthdays for well documented reasons, and I also have told the girls I will give them a straight up answer to a question-so for the birthday question, the hard truth is out.
One of the interesting dynamics about both girls is they tend to go to extremes. Since I have issues with my birthday it must radiate to all birthdays-and it doesn’t. There was also discussion about all adults and if they hated (or didn’t like their birthdays).
I actually miss being able to just sit around the dinner table and have a conversation with the girls. There are a lot of tradeoffs to being a single parent, commuting 3.5 hours plus a day and trying to be present as much as possible. One of those trade offs is being able to sit down to dinner-it’s a trade-off for the comfort of living where we do with the friends around us, and one I am willing to make.
But still it’s nice to every now and then to step back and just catch up.
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Coming off a busy weekend with a birthday for my now 9 year old, Yom Kippur, fighting a cold, a bunch of work deadlines and publishing my second e-book finding time to do an update here has been elusive. The good news is the birthday went well, the stomach problems passed, the book is doing OK on Amazon and B&N and we nailed a presentation for work.
But this is about the birthday-and my chance to reflect for a year on my perception of a mis-step last year. Yeah, I got to over analyze a bunch.
If you don’t feel like doing the click, the upshot is last year with my wife in hospice I did the party, the birthday dinner and some other birthday events and managed to not get a candle for the birthday girl to blow out. She never complained about it, and I am sure by this year it was a distant memory for her.
Not so much for me.
Despite the stomach virus (BTW for the MOTS out there every try to fast on a stomach virus, not so easy) we did break-fast at a hibachi place I take the girls sometimes. As 9.0 and two of her friends who I took with us were watching the show I made sure desert would come candle equipped (OK, I gave the candle just to make sure).
On Sunday at her birthday party (Laser tag), my sitter made her a piece of artwork type cake and there were more candles to blow out. Finally on Monday (birthday proper) we had some more cake and more candles.
A touch of over compensation? Perhaps. But this time the single dad remembered and I know 9.0 will remember her birthday too.
I freely admit that I remain deeply perplexed by birthdays. I really do struggle with them-and not just mine, my kids, the people close to me, co-workers, the guy in Friday’s when they all start clapping hands. I truly miss the point.
For a very long time, I struggled to even recognize my birthdays’ not that I am averse to getting older mind you. Its more just a compilation of events and happenings-I’d rather grow older and have another day.
Today is my older daughter’s birthday, and its a big day for her and I get that and understand that. In fact I want it to be a special day for her. The problem is that really until last year, making sure gifts were purchased and wrapped, parties at least planned and thought about and at least concepts handled were my wife’s job.
Last year when it fell to me, I can say in two tries I did not do a great job I’ve tried to be more proactive about it this year. Still its a scramble to get it done and I am not sure I am doing anyone a service.
While I planned 11.0′s birthday dinner a few weeks ago, and have the friends and place all lined up-I kind of stopped there. I had to pick up cards last night and a gift today. Hell, I even knew what I was getting and I still waited.
In spending some time thinking about this, I think the issue is mine, and my aversion to birthday’s. Is it possible I’ve been so averse to birthday’s for so long I’ve completely lost touch? I’m truly not sure its quite that dire, but it also can’t be natural to have to scramble for an event you know is coming. I can tell you right now, 11.0 will have a birthday on 6/6/2012-will I be any more ready then than I am now?
Off and on throughout this blog (and since it is my birthday I will be lazy and not dig for the links), I make reference to how hard birthday’s are for. Well today is my birthday-and of all the birthday’s I have to deal with, it’s the hardest.
There are a lot of reasons for this-which I won’t go into. But suffice to say, I am at ease with my day passing and my being able to be very low-key about the whole thing. I am a lot better than I used to be, and I don’t hide for the day (I tended to do this in college).
So for me, a little Mets baseball, a little Beatles and some good wishes from the girls, my mom and a few others–and honestly that’s enough.
In a strange set of twists, with very little pre-thought I made an attempt today to start going through some of the “stuff” that I’ve been looking at since my wife passed in December. Certainly not any kind of Herculean effort mind you. Not the going through the closet or dresser. Rather just some of the clutter that was out in the open in my room.
In that collection was a set of old pictures (remember the days of film and development?) that featured 10.5 when she was one or 1.5-before 8.5 was born. This prompted 8.5 to lament, “There are no baby pictures of me,” which isn’t true. The reality is when we moved into our house 7+ years ago I pretty much took the hundreds or thousands of pictures we had and put them in a box. At some point Risa was going to organize them. That never happened, and the box ended up in a corner of the basement. So today I pulled it out.
There was no order to pictures in there, I just filled up a box from the move and it was tucked away. So in between prepping food and pre-cooking items for tomorrow’s first seder dinner we went through the box and eventually found pictures of 8.5 from birth and through the years….
But what was also in there was a collection of pictures from the years we were together before we got married. Vacations, events, happenings-and it felt like it was from a different time almost a different era.
What would have been if there was no tumor? What would have been if there was not a constant shuffle to doctors and MRI’s?
I didn’t dwell on the pictures-but some of the moments stood out. One of the stories the girls love to hear is the night Risa and I got engaged (it’s a compelling story and if you ask nice I may tell). In the box was the pictures from that night. The people in that moment who shared that time.
The cruise we took around Mexico and the visit to Telume. The schooner vacation off the coast of Maine we took in the early 90′s. It was all in there-memories waiting to be revisited and questions waiting to be asked.
What happened to those people? Where did the time go? Where would be today?
Generally I don’t dwell on these questions-it would really drive me crazy. But sometimes it creeps in, what if it were different? I assume it would be less dramatic. It was special, but it could have been….
I am one of those types who tends to be very introspective–and analytical. Those two traits lead me to be incredibly self-critical, and well, here we go again.
Sunday was my younger daughter’s 8th birthday. We did a party at the mini-golf place near our house with 12 or so friends. And everyone, including her had a good time. Golf, pizza, laser tag, pumpkin patch, go-karts–it was a very busy 2+ hours.
Then on Monday she got to pick a place for her birthday dinner. Rule is there is no comment, no influence–her choice and we go. Not surprisingly she chose Friendly’s (because paying $5.99 for a mac and cheese dinner is a good investment, right?). But for her, she is all about the desert menu and that’s fine. She had the make your own sundae–2 scoops, 3 toppings and away she goes.
Somewhere along the line Monday night after dinner I realized we never had a birthday candle for her to blow out. We sang happy birthday at the golf place and the kids had cupcakes. The waitress wished her a happy birthday at Friendly’s–but there never were any candles.
Did she notice too? I bet she did.
And the over analysis begins. The good news for me is that I am not an analysis-paralysis kind of person, but it will weigh on me and I will wonder and try to think through what happened and work out a way for it not to happen again.
Maybe I should just cop to it? Maybe Sunday when we go visit mom I’ll bring a donut and put a candle on it–and just fess up. Today is Wednesday, so that means I have more than two days to dwell on it.
So, it’s about 3 or 4 years later than I scripted it out in my mind, but finally I have both girls riding bikes and rollerblading. And the best part of it for me is that they figured it out on their own–I actually if even for a split second was able to harness the power of peer pressure.
When I was growing up (go ahead and make the crack–it was a while ago) the bike meant freedom. We’d jump on our bikes at 8 in the morning and we were gone until dinner. Trying to teach my kids to ride their bikes? Went more like this:
Now my mother is a teacher. I was not blessed with that kind of patience, and what invariably ended up happening was I would get frustrated and my kids would give up. In the case of the bike, the 7.5 was incented by a pair of Heelys (click to find out what they are).
The 1o would not ride her bike. But her friend is a roller blader–so she strapped on the blades we got her more than two years ago and worked through and got to be OK at blading. And to think, I thought I started her early on blades–clearly I could have tried earlier:
So, now I had one on blades and one on a bike. They worked it out–and now they each blade and bike.
Turns out that 10 has a new friend who bikes instead of blades and 7.5 wants blade when 10′s blading friend comes over.
Now the problem–7.5 wants blades for her birthday next month, and I am on the hook to get myself a new bike so the three of us can go biking. All in all-a pair of good problems.
It took me a few days to fully recover from the weekend. It was my older daughter’s 10th birthday, and the events stretched across the full weekend. I think the slumber party for five girls was just a small part of what wore me out.
Overall, the slumber party went well and I am pretty sure everyone had a good time. Planning wise, it worked out pretty well since she had a late softball game, so folks didn’t come over until 830 or later. A few burgers, a few hot dogs, some de-caf soda and ice cream cake-then a VOD movie and it was midnight.
A few pancakes in the morning and then some extended pool time and the slumber party was over.
But birthdays are also family events and that part was a little tough. First came my in-laws. I was amazed at how much both girls wanted no part of seeing them. To the point both put their iPods on and wore them until they left.
Then came a stressful (for me) visit to see their mom. We brought her some ice cream cake, and while we were singing happy birthday, I actually could not make it through the whole song. I bluffed the way through it, and blew out the candles–but still its just never easy.
I think things went well and it was a successful weekend-just the part that gets at me makes me wonder…
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