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In the world of single parenting-speaking broadly you can categorize single parents into two groups: widows and divorce/separated. There is far more nuance than this I know but at a high level there is a dividing line. The groups can then get further sub-divided.
These Hallmark made holidays like Mother’s Day for me and my crew (the same can be said for some friends about Father’s Day) pose a unique set of challenges. Frankly it’s not an overly easy day (or week given the in-school emphasis) to get through.
This year in school, 9.5 had a little bit of an issue that I instructed the school was not an issue and they could deal with themselves and to leave my daughter alone. That being said, there still is the day to manage.
Last year (our first motherless Mother’s Day), I intentionally ignored the day. I kept the girls busy throughout the day, we did a bunch of cool stuff and I let the day pass with hardly a mention of Mother’s Day. I was pretty sure that strategy would not work again this year, and then with the call from school added in I needed to regroup.
After some thought and hearing from others who are widowed, I decided the balloon-a-gram approach. I talked to the girls on Thursday about getting some balloons and writing notes to mommy. We’d then tie the notes to the balloons and set them free.
So, this morning we did just that. The rule was you could share the note or not, it was completely up to the author. I offered up my note to both girls. Only 9.5 read it. 11.5 declined the invitation. Neither girl officially showed me their note. However, more than 15 years as a working journalist, one of the skills I mastered was reading upside down.
I tried not to be obvious and to respect the privacy of the girls. But I did want to watch for any signs of other issues I had to deal with. Happily there are none that I saw from the notes. What did strike me is that both girls made reference to heaven near the top of their notes.
This is not something they would get from me. I am fine with the thought process, I never want to invoke my thoughts on religion and spirituality upon them. Each of us told Risa that we’re doing OK and we missed her lots. 11.5 in a much longer note also wrote that she was happy that any suffering she was doing ended.
With some welled up tears away went the balloons. 9.5 even taped a piece of chocolate to hers.
And so, balloon-a-grams away-and into a non-Hallmark Sunday we go.
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By no means to I consider myself a “green” person and certainly my house is not a “green” house. However there are things that I do because I feel they are beneficial to us in the house, better for society at large and in some ways can be construed as “green.”
One of those things is the use of non-toxic, only organic cleaning products in the house. We’ve been doing this for more than five years now. I do not have any loyalty to any specific product or product line. I can remember as I was making that change the pushback I got from Risa, and the continued pushback I get from our twice a month cleaning lady.
Both insist the organic/non-toxic products don’t work as well. I’ve yet to see that.
Then came this tidbit from an acquaintance bragging about the school she works in, and it confirms my belief that creating a non-toxic environment is a good thing.
Hampton Bays Middle School was recognized by the US Department of Education as a fully environmentally friendly school, and officials believe that going green has helped to raise grades as well as environmental awareness. “I think there is a correlation between being motivated to learn and academic performance,” said Principal Dennis Schug. State test scores have risen four-percent and attendance is improving as well. “There is something to it. I have perfect attendance, I haven’t had a sick day since this building opened,” said Kathy Dayton, an art teacher.
Hampton Bays Middle School was recognized by the US Department of Education as a fully environmentally friendly school, and officials believe that going green has helped to raise grades as well as environmental awareness.
“I think there is a correlation between being motivated to learn and academic performance,” said Principal Dennis Schug.
State test scores have risen four-percent and attendance is improving as well.
“There is something to it. I have perfect attendance, I haven’t had a sick day since this building opened,” said Kathy Dayton, an art teacher.
I won’t profess to be the keeper of all the green knowledge, nor am I a total believer that there is no way to make good trade offs. I do believe though the environment is important, and I will do all I can to keep the environment here as healthy as I can.
It’s been a while. Nearly a year in fact. But this morning the reluctant spiritualist reappeared. I suggest reading in here for more information, as this probably will not go too deep into detail. But today was a chance to go back and revisit a little where I’ve been and look ahead at where I’m going.
In thinking through attributes and what’s important from a list including: balance, patience, clarity of mind, single purpose and some others-and only being able to pick one to visualize, somehow I figured clarity of mind would be the one to focus on-from there the other attributes can flow. Or so I quickly reasoned.
As someone pointed out to me just today-there’s always something to do. But having the clarity of mind to prioritize would be a great skill to fall back on. Normally my mind is racing from event to event, what’s next, who do I need to talk to, where do I have to be next-I am rarely in the moment. I am usually five moves down the line.
So visualizing with clarity and letting myself see the moment for what it is has been my challenge today.
Then came the reminders of the stuff that didn’t fit into the neat compartments for today and that clarity of mind moment passed. But several times I came back to it to get myself back on track, to complete tasks, sort out what’s next, re-prioritize the rest of the day.
So maybe I was right-and clarity of mind is the key. But I can’t help but think balance would be a good trait to master too.
As usually happens after this type of session, I used some mind over matter to move a dangling pendulum in circles and between two points. Nearly two years later-that skill is one I am getting better at too.
In less than five minutes this morning, I had to think I truly missed my calling in life. I was up and out bright and early for a run and then did some biking (a blog for another day). Back home all sweaty I hit the shower. As I was drying off I turned on the TV in my room which was on the channel I was watching last night before falling asleep.
Of all the shows and people I was subjected to five minutes or so of Joel Osteen-televangilst. According to his Wiki, Joel is the senior pastor of the Lakewood Church in Houston. His message today was what he called “You said.”
So now some quick background before I launch too deep into the “You said,” line. I have a strained at best relationship with religion. During the years we lived in Dallas I did a lot of work as a producer for the local station and the network on televangelist and their ministries. I spent a lot of time looking through the filings and business practices of Bennie Hinn. I even did an ambush interview with him one day in an airport in Iowa.
Back to this morning. There was Joel Osteen, who frankly I know nothing about other the what I’ve read on his website and on his Wiki, telling a packed audience-the size of Madison Square Garden or larger-about the benefits of taking a negative and, “telling God a ‘you said.’” When a follower told Joel her marriage of 17 years was ending, his advice was to go to God and say, “You said if I stay strong I will survive.” When an audience member told of his mother with cancer, Joel said, “Go to God and tell him ‘You said tomorrow will be brighter day’.”
So I am left thinking, without the reference to God (I just don’t do that), it’s kind of the philosophy and advice I’ve been offering and living for more than 10 years. Drop the “you said” and go with trying to find the brighter side, trying to see the end game and not just the moment in time that seems overwhelming.
As I learned many years ago, there’s a lot of money and comfort in the business of being a televangelist. Hell, just take a look at Joel Osteen’s website, everything is up for sale. I am imagining just half the people in the audience on television this morning bought a single DVD at $15 a pop. That’s more than a quarter of a billion dollars gross. All for espousing with a little charisma life.
Say Yes my brothers and sisters…say yes.
Flipping through the Sunday Times (as I try to do each week), I stumbled upon (OK, in full disclosure this was handed to me more than I stumbled upon it) an interesting read in the Modern Love column by Dean Murphy who is listed as a New York Times editor. Now I do not know Dean to the best of my knowledge. But we do share the bond of being widowed with children at home.
According to the column, the Murphy’s lost their wife/mother a short time after a cancer diagnosis and just months before the Murphy;s would celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The vehicle of the column is how Dean kind of steps outside of himself as tears well up in his eyes watching the wedding video with his kids.
It’s a great read and is full of the insight that a single parent will have-that it’s a constant struggle to stay balanced.
The other memory this column kicked off for me though is the story of my wedding video, and I’ll kill the punchline now, it’s never been watched.
I am not an overly nostalgic. I am not really one to look back at pictures or videos anyway. But in the case of the wedding video, it was a kind of strange time-stranger than most go through for their wedding and year after and that could be among the reasons why the video has never been viewed.
Somewhere in the midst of the diagnosis and the first surgery we got the wedding video. At the time we decided very consciously not to watch it. We would watch it for our second anniversary-the surgery would be behind us and life would be ahead of us.
What we didn’t know, or didn’t hear about brain tumors though was that life was never really ahead of us. There was post diagnosis and post surgery life-13 years in fact. But that life was a constant cycle of tests and scans and doctors appointments. All those plans-including watching the video were kind of forgotten.
2012 would be our 15th wedding anniversary. The video is still in its white box. It’s been packed and unpacked many times.
And it remains un-played. Maybe I should transfer it to DVD or some other digital format, although I am still not sure if viewing it is in my future. Maybe the girls will ask about it, and I’ll pull it out. I’m not sure.
For now though, I know where it is.
As we move through life we all gather experiences that help us from who we are, and in many cases can give us a level of expertise in diverse areas. While we may not be recognized world leaders in a subject, when you get into your social circles, if you think about it some, no doubt you will have an expert on cooking, an expert on baking, an expert on banking and very likely an expert on cancer.
I admit, expert may be a little strong-perhaps its expertise (at least experience).
But what is not over-stated is when you need help, advice or insight into something you will reach into your social fabric and find the person whose opinion you respect and who you think will give you guidance to get you through an event, point in life or a moment in time.
While I like to talk about technology, social media and mobile; the area of expertise I am more often asked about is being there to support a partner with cancer and how to pick up the pieces when cancer strikes.
In fact, if it were not for the last two items on my list above you would not be reading this blog. Still, it’s not quite expertise I feel blessed to have. I do feel blessed in some way to be able to positively share my experiences and who knows perhaps even help someone who is facing the decisions I was forced to face.
The reality though is that every situation is just slightly different. And every situation has different factors that weigh against it-making even real-time experience in my mind somewhat suspect. Still, I know it has a calming effect to know someone has walked the walk ahead of you.
Over the last month or so, I’ve offered some thoughts and insights to four different people who are setting out on the post cancer diagnosis path. One is a single woman, two are young families and one is a single guy. Half of the people are friends of friends the others are friends of mine. It does not make the advice any different, it perhaps changes slightly the way it’s delivered though.
But I still have this nagging feeling that maybe I should not be in that business because the factors are different, and there is no doubt the outcomes will be different in some way, shape or form. Still there are the contestants: the treatment’s effects on patient and supporters; a feeling of helplessness when you ask a doctor what you think is a black and white question and get shades of gray as an answer; the stark reality that no matter what the outcome is things will be changed.
While I’d love to be known as an expert in the areas I have a passion, perhaps my calling is to be the reluctant expert in living day-to-day and just making today better than yesterday-because tomorrow is too far away to worry about.
I got word last night that an old friend and colleague passed away after what must have been a gut wrenching time for her family. Nicole Nogid and I worked together what seems like a lifetime ago at News 12 Long Island.
Over the years, since we both left News 12 (and I did a return stint) and moved on with our lives, we did not stay particularly close, but from time to time we did manage to get in touch by email, the rare call and more recently (and more often) via Facebook or LinkedIn.
There are so many eloquent things that have been said about Nicole-and many of my former colleagues from my first News 12 Long Island days are saying them now-her smile, her laugh, her great disposition-I won’t try to echo those memories. They are true, very real and very much capture Nicole.
Along with a great working relationship (and a couple of local Emmy awards), Nicole and I shared a point in our lives that I know from my side very few know about. At about the same time I was working through the mental hopscotch of proposing to my wife, Nicole was in the process of becoming engaged and married.
For very different reasons neither of us had a great outcome to our married lives.
But I will always remember Nicole for taking the time to help me through the process of getting there-I am not sure I could have done it without out her.
We spent a lot of time-after working on scripts and editing video (Roosevelt School District stories for those with long memories) talking about relationships-which neither of us were very good at.
Over the New Year weekend, someone close to me joked that I compartmentalize things-I have a woman I go see when I need jewelry, there’s the woman who helps me at the dry cleaner, there’s the guy at the butcher counter at the produce and meat stores-and in that moment in time, there was Nicole the woman helping me a huge decision.
While life is not perfect-and Nicole would certainly admit to that as freely as I do-mine is better for having known Nicole. Thank you.
Generally speaking, I am not one of those types that spends a lot of time dwelling on history or fretting over the past. I’ve tried to maintain an ever-forward attitude. Learn a lesson if you can, apply it in the future and try to keep up to date or a step ahead.
But coming up on a year since Risa passed I find myself looking back a lot more than usual. But not in an overtly melancholy way. Rather I try to look at the ground covered, the start changes that have occurred and even sometimes try to be proud of all that we (my girls and I) have been able to accomplish and even in some way to be thankful to realize that I can actually count on friends and family more than I thought I could.
That’s not to say there have not been trying times.
That’s not to say there have not been, “why me” or “why us” moments.
That’s not to say everything has gone exactly according to plan.
But overall, a year later I would say we’re doing anywhere from OK to well-and that’s not small accomplishment.
From bra shopping, to leg and arm pit shaving, to science projects, to summer camp, to skiing and conversations about boys and Ohio State we’ve managed to put what was really two years of uncertainty behind us-take our memories and move ahead. And there’s something to be said about that.
It’s not to say there are not huge hurdles ahead. I can pretty much look at the next 18 months at rattle off events from Risa’s unveiling to 11.0′s Bat Mitzvah, to bra shopping with now 9.0 as events that are coming up that being able to divide and conquer would be easier. It’s not a new theme thinking about Me, Myself and Us, but even with accepting help from friends and families-how much of any of this am I willing to give up? And how willing will the girls be to have someone else come in?
As we go through the next set of milestones-taking the lessons learned from the past certainly helps. But still, I can’t see dwelling on what’s been done-the good the bad and the ugly all get us to tomorrow.
Sometimes it’s really strange how seemingly simple event can trigger a non-sequitor and make you start to look more inward than perhaps you had wanted.
Take the recent technical issues I was encountering updating this site. Anyone who has registered for anything online knows all too well the “security” questions. You know the ones-mother’s maiden name, elementary school, favorite pet’s name etc. For one of those sites, one of the questions is, “What was your dream job as a child?”
Well, for me it was baseball player.
Recently I had to break my rule about never actually speaking with customer service-and got on the phone with a customer service rep, and as they “confirmed my identity” that question came up. It’s really pretty innocuous, and the reality is I probably put baseball player because I would remember it-I hate when I forget the answers to the security questions.
But that got me to thinking about hopes and dreams.
And when I was 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 (the range of ages of my kids), I did want to be a baseball player, and I spent a lot of time trying to be better player. Alas, when the growth spurt stopped at 5’6″ so did that dream…and onto the next dream of being a play-by-play guy.
And I did a little of that in college, and even a few professional play-by-play jobs early in my career, but ended up being more of a journalist-which was fine because I was able to find a passion in telling stories and finding information.
So now, in an executive type role, far removed from the daily grind of deadlines and immersed in spreadsheets and Powerpoint I have to think about what is my dream now? What would my inner baseball player say is his third act?
A friend and former colleague of mine-who now is known as the Good Enough Mother-was posing a question similar to that recently in context of some of our collective former colleagues who are suddenly out of a job. I realized I am now into my third act professionally speaking.
But when I think about my dreams-since at my age the baseball player is probably not happening, I realize my dreams are for my kids and what I want to provide for them-and what I hope they can become.
I think I’m pretty lucky in that I’ve been able to do a lot of the things I’ve wanted to do. Some of them didn’t end the way I had planned-but in a lot of cases, I’ve been there and done that and do not live with a lot of regrets.
So, in what I hope is just the 5th inning (see, no mixing metaphors) I may have changed course a little and adjusted to reality-but the dreams are alive and well. Hopefully I can continue to make them work out and in this case help my girls realize they too can have dreams that can come true.
Mixed into the hustle and bustle of the weekend that was came news that the mother of two girls my kids went to camp with this summer passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. That’s a lot of similarity to my house-and I spent a lot of time on Friday trying to figure out if or how I would tell the kids about this bit of news.
One of the nice things about the camp they went to is the family feel that it has-and the way they sustain it through the winter. Barely a month after coming home the girls have been in touch with many from camp, I’ve been on the phone with the director and assistant director-it’s more than just a business venture for the camp.
And reality is that is part of what sold me that this was the right place to send the girls.
Then came the news-and a flurry of email activity among parents about how to coordinate a gift from the girls. In the background to that was my mental tug of war over how to handle this. I could easily send a card from the family and contribute for the gift-but that’s not how I’ve handled any of this with the girls and there was no need to make a change now.
First I told 8.5. The younger sister was in her bunk and they were friends. She handled it well, and even volunteered to be there for her friend if she needed someone to talk to. It’s not an exclusive club-but at that age knowing you are not the only one is important.
Then I told 11.0. In her case, the older of the girls is a couple of years older, so 11.0 knew her but they weren’t close. Still my daughter wanted to extend the offer to be there for her friend-as someone who has gone through the affects cancer can have on a family.
For me, it’s a proud moment-albeit tinged with sadness. I never wanted what my girls went through to define them-the same as I tried not to let my father’s death when I was young define me. Rather, I want their experience to be part of their person-and for them to be able to use what they lived through and what they survived as a way to help them in life.
In this first test-I would say they did a great job, and I am proud. I”m just not sure if I can tell them just how proud I am.
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