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In the world of single parenting-speaking broadly you can categorize single parents into two groups: widows and divorce/separated. There is far more nuance than this I know but at a high level there is a dividing line. The groups can then get further sub-divided.
These Hallmark made holidays like Mother’s Day for me and my crew (the same can be said for some friends about Father’s Day) pose a unique set of challenges. Frankly it’s not an overly easy day (or week given the in-school emphasis) to get through.
This year in school, 9.5 had a little bit of an issue that I instructed the school was not an issue and they could deal with themselves and to leave my daughter alone. That being said, there still is the day to manage.
Last year (our first motherless Mother’s Day), I intentionally ignored the day. I kept the girls busy throughout the day, we did a bunch of cool stuff and I let the day pass with hardly a mention of Mother’s Day. I was pretty sure that strategy would not work again this year, and then with the call from school added in I needed to regroup.
After some thought and hearing from others who are widowed, I decided the balloon-a-gram approach. I talked to the girls on Thursday about getting some balloons and writing notes to mommy. We’d then tie the notes to the balloons and set them free.
So, this morning we did just that. The rule was you could share the note or not, it was completely up to the author. I offered up my note to both girls. Only 9.5 read it. 11.5 declined the invitation. Neither girl officially showed me their note. However, more than 15 years as a working journalist, one of the skills I mastered was reading upside down.
I tried not to be obvious and to respect the privacy of the girls. But I did want to watch for any signs of other issues I had to deal with. Happily there are none that I saw from the notes. What did strike me is that both girls made reference to heaven near the top of their notes.
This is not something they would get from me. I am fine with the thought process, I never want to invoke my thoughts on religion and spirituality upon them. Each of us told Risa that we’re doing OK and we missed her lots. 11.5 in a much longer note also wrote that she was happy that any suffering she was doing ended.
With some welled up tears away went the balloons. 9.5 even taped a piece of chocolate to hers.
And so, balloon-a-grams away-and into a non-Hallmark Sunday we go.
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Friday night for me was spent in the gym at the middle school where 11.5 and her friend did a short dance routine for the middle school talent show. They had 28 acts total, and the show took a little more than two hours to complete. Now, I did not stay for the whole thing, I was there for about 8 acts including 11.5′s.
From what I saw it was about what could be expected. Some good acts, some that left you wondering and mostly kids enjoying themselves. I give them all credit just for getting up and performing.
But this is about a different revelation I had at the show last night. The school administrator in charge was the assistant principal of the school, who frankly the couple of times I’ve spoken with him seems like a nice enough person. Yet there he was at the microphone welcoming parents, siblings and a healthy part of the middle school student body to the show-and left me scratching my head.
First came the line:
There are approximately 49 students taking part in the show tonight
This leaves me wondering couple of things. First, I would expect the school to know exactly how many kids are participating. Counting, beyond being a basic function of school seems to be a safety thing. Count how many kids, keep count etc. Beyond that, way back when I was in school, as it pertains to math the word approximately has a specific meaning:
Approximation usually occurs when an exact form or an exact numerical number is unknown or difficult to obtain. However some known form may exist and may be able to represent the real form so that no significant deviation can be found.
Based on math of the day when I was in sixth grade (circa 1979) the approximation would be, “There are approximately 50 kids performing tonight.”
I would have been OK with this faux pas of language and math skills, if it was not almost immediately followed by this gem:
We have to thank the PTO for ascertaining the stage for this show tonight
Ascertaining? Really? This guy mingles among the students (my daughter included) and helps guide the teacher and this is what he has to offer microphone in hand. Ascertaining?
To be sure I was not over thinking I checked dictionary.com and ascertaining means:
to find out definitely; learn with certainty or assurance;determine: to ascertain the facts.
Now clearly the school deuce meant “obtaining” and without sitting through the approximation twist of language I could have let it all slide. Instead, I have to wonder what other linguistic gems are spewed via microphone. It’s no wonder I spend a lot of time defining words that I think are pretty straight forward for a sixth grader-the language gets butchered at school.
As I mentioned yesterday, the schedule this weekend is a mess, and the eventuality that would not help the most occurred, a rain out of 9.0′s softball game. The funny thing about the rain out is it came as the sun came out for the first time all day. I guess the fields were not in safe and playable condition…
Anyway, with a suddenly open night with the girls (I was work from home on Friday) we set out to begin chipping away at the next major hurdle that looms, the camp checklist 2012 edition. In a four-hour excursion we hit three stand-alone stores, four or five places at the mall and dinner. The haul was rain boots, rain coats (you have no idea how tough it is to find these items), sandals, flip-flops and socks. Plus a nice dinner at Bobby Flay’s burger place.
Before going out, the girls did an inventory of shorts, t-shirts and bathing suits and I think we are all good there, so we are pretty close to being shopping complete for camp.
When all is said and done I can easily say I used my time wisely and we accomplished a lot.
But then came the nagging feeling the while we accomplished a lot, could the “found” time have been better utilized? In one semi-failed relationship, one not started relationship and one I can’t figure out what is going on relationship-time and scheduling have been at the crux of the breakdowns. Largely the way I schedule time and the lack of time I schedule for myself.
So, yes I was a good parent and we did a lot. But was I as good to myself as I could be? As I looked back in the mirror this morning brushing my teeth (I did not shave) I thought about this and all in all I am good with where I’m at and what I’ve done and will do over the course of this weekend and into next month.
The girls and I are a package. We are all in this together and anyone who wants to be in has to understand this.
Heading into the weekend-with the weather forecast not good, I am kind of hoping to be able to make it through all the softball games, the recent spate of rain outs has made my carefully balanced schedule a mess. Sometimes it’s like being in a maze, and trying to find the way out.
So, all things being equal, it’s 9.0 softball tonight, a double-header tomorrow with 11.5 at 3:45 and 9.0 at 6. We wrap the softball weekend up Sunday morning with 11.5′s game at 9AM-which is usually when my weekly softball game is. So that’s not happening already.
All of this is to make up for games lost this week to random changes and rainouts. Despite losing the entire weekend to softball-it’s better than trying to juggle more during the week.
And speaking of during the week, it was a kind of eventful as it ended.
A friend and co-worker gave his notice that he was leaving, so we rolled out for a farewell event Wednesday night. Yeah, we had a few too many but we both made our way back to Penn Station. He went left to the NJ Transit side, and I went downstairs to the LIRR after saying good night. By the time I sat down on my train, my friend committed the greatest sin of corporate life in 2012-drunk emailing. Despite having two days left to go he was fired.
As for me, my Thursday morning was tough. I got the girls out with their breakfasts as usual, and made my way (with a hangover) to the train. Then the effect of drinking on me-I left my bag with my laptop and train ticket at home. So back into the car and back home (25 minutes each way) so I could get onto a train and make it through the rest of the work week, trying to piece together how Wednesday night got so sideways.
As if that were not enough, then comes the personal side of life-where I struggle and try to learn one lesson at a time. Each time I think I have a lesson learned (this one about communication) to pieces it goes. Personal life back to the drawing board too….
Ah well, it’s the weekend. If the rain holds out, it’s about four weeks until the end of softball season.
One of the moments parents of any stripe have to judge and think about is discipline and sending a message to our kids about what is expected, what is accepted and when expectations are not met, what is the consequence. Over time I’ve found this gets measured based on the maturity of my children, the importance of the infraction – rarely though do I consider the consequence because even if there’s a right outcome the path to getting there may not be the way to go.
One of the advantages of a dual parent household is the two can play off of one another, so there is not just one voice of discipline. Classic good cop/bad cop approach. This helps changing the voice and tone of discipline and correction and I believe stops the children from tuning out.
In a non-child involved way I saw this last night. At a friend’s house to kill some time before reclaiming both girls from different events my friend was lamenting that one of his dog’s had tuned him out because for the last few weeks all the dog had heard was “dumb dog” from him. My thesis here is that children can be the same way (but obviously not dogs).
Case one is 11.5 who desperately wants to be a teenager. And that’s fine. What is not fine is her occasional need to tell stories for no reason at all. This week our sitter asked her to call me before a friend came over mid-week for dinner. Generally, if homework is done and the sitter is OK with it, it’s not a problem. But the rule is, there has to be a call to me because I want to know who’s in the house and what is going on. When asked if she called me, 11.5 said yes. There was no call. Needless to say when I got home a little after 10 (it was Wing Night), I was surprised to find out that a friend was over.
Thursday morning, I quietly confronted 11.5 out of earshot of 9.0 and she knew right away what was wrong. She lost her iPod at least for the weekend, maybe into next week. Seems about right.
Then there is 9.0 who is somewhere between wanting to be 12 and staying a kid. She asked (ok begged) if she could walk from her school to a local ice cream place on Friday afternoon after school. It’s about half a mile between spots. I didn’t let 11.5 do this until she was in fifth grade. 9.0 in fourth grade gets the younger child advantage here. So I let her go. The plan was a walk to the ice cream place and then her friend’s father was going to pick them up and take them back to the friend’s house. For 9.0 this was going to roll into a sleepover (been there done that) so I had her pack her overnight bag Thursday night.
The deal was 9.0 would text me when they got to the ice cream place. Got that text about 20 minutes after school let out. Things are going well. Then she had to text me when they got to the friend’s house. At 5 there was no text. At 530 I called her cell phone-no answer. At 545 I called her cell phone-no answer. At 6 I called the friend’s house. ”I forgot,” was the response.
No sleepover. The explanation being you don’t want to be treated like a child and do things like walking to the ice cream place then you need to follow instructions.
Now, I am not overly naive here. I am pretty sure 11.5 will get caught up in another stupid lie that really serves no purpose, and I am sure 9.0 will offer up “I forgot” as the excuse, both probably before the weekend ends. Hopefully though they learned that there are expectations and acceptable outcomes and consequences for failure to hold up their end. We’ll see.
It’s been a while. Nearly a year in fact. But this morning the reluctant spiritualist reappeared. I suggest reading in here for more information, as this probably will not go too deep into detail. But today was a chance to go back and revisit a little where I’ve been and look ahead at where I’m going.
In thinking through attributes and what’s important from a list including: balance, patience, clarity of mind, single purpose and some others-and only being able to pick one to visualize, somehow I figured clarity of mind would be the one to focus on-from there the other attributes can flow. Or so I quickly reasoned.
As someone pointed out to me just today-there’s always something to do. But having the clarity of mind to prioritize would be a great skill to fall back on. Normally my mind is racing from event to event, what’s next, who do I need to talk to, where do I have to be next-I am rarely in the moment. I am usually five moves down the line.
So visualizing with clarity and letting myself see the moment for what it is has been my challenge today.
Then came the reminders of the stuff that didn’t fit into the neat compartments for today and that clarity of mind moment passed. But several times I came back to it to get myself back on track, to complete tasks, sort out what’s next, re-prioritize the rest of the day.
So maybe I was right-and clarity of mind is the key. But I can’t help but think balance would be a good trait to master too.
As usually happens after this type of session, I used some mind over matter to move a dangling pendulum in circles and between two points. Nearly two years later-that skill is one I am getting better at too.
I realized today (although I had tried to figure out where to slot it in for a couple of weeks now), this year’s run up to camp is about to hit full throttle. There are 62 days until the girls ship off for their second season of camp fun, I am determined to take the lessons from last year and apply them to this year.
This means trying to get out in front and sorting through the needs versus the optional, getting a jump on labels and packing, and be efficient in shopping.
Or, I can kind of wait until the last-minute.
The reality is, I’ll end up being somewhere between because there just are not enough hours in a day much less actual downtime to carry out everything over the next nine weekends-but we’ll give it a try. To that end, it started today.
I pulled out the bins of blankets, towels and other stuff stored away last summer and sorted through what was there and what wasn’t. The first big order was placed replace some stuff from last year and add to the collection of stuff that they didn’t have last year but really do need.
Next up is doing an inventory of what is available and then making time to hit the stores. I guess we’ll let the good times roll.
It’s 6:30 this morning. Both girls are sort of up and moving about getting ready for school. Today is the fist day of the New York State ELA test. When they accuse teachers of teaching the test, in NY this is the one they are talking about.
As for me as I sip coffee I am rolling through my mind the mountain I will have to move between now and four this afternoon, when a second mountain needs to be moved. Today is one of those days when a two parent household could divide and conquer-with some effort but nothing Herculean.
Here, it’s a sense of keeping the balls in the air long enough to check things off the list and avoid being conquered since there is no way to divvy up the tasks.
Along with a full schedule of meetings and deliverables I will take on via VPN since there is no way I could survive the day with four hours of commuting layered in, I also need to call two doctors and set up appointments (one for me and one for 11.5).
Because of the opening day festivities for the girls softball season over the weekend I need to swing by the place 11.5 will have her Bat Mitzvah and put down the deposit and book it.
Then I need to print out the medical forms for summer camp and get them up to the pediatrician’s office (and pay off the balance for camp).
All of that needs to happen by four-because then it’s time for the second mountain. 9.5 has a dentist appointment (cavity in a baby tooth that needs to be taken care of) and straight to softball.
The reality is that’s just a lot of running around and timing to make it all work. But that all comes after a day of running around (NYC commute, home, change, 11.5 softball).
I suppose to divide some of this would be easier, but right now it’s just trying to avoid being conquered.
Somewhere just before 8 on Wednesday morning last week, I unilaterally declared it would be a no email day for me. I was going to go the rest of the day without looking at email. Now mind you, I had already processed well more than 150 new emails across four accounts by that time in the morning-but in that moment I had enough and I was going to take a day off.
Some background to keep everyone up to speed. First, just how (over) connected I am. I carry three phones which all have the ability to send and receive text messages and generally access seven email accounts (five are mine of which one is work and two belong to the girls). Along with this, generally people get hold of me on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or Four Square.
I don’t think that is hugely unique, but there is also no shortage of inbound data that needs to be processed and call it 65% of the time responded to.
The other factor that added to this monumental decision (and ultimate failure) was the middle of the school vacation week that my girls enjoyed. I was home with them on the Friday before Passover and Easter and the Monday following. The plan was for me to go into the office Tuesday through Thursday and then take a work from home (child care issue) on Friday. That part was pretty manageable.
The factor I did not add in was the split in the schedule for the girls. Without school-they were up to 11 (we even had a sleepover one of the nights I had to work) which generally meant I was up anywhere from an hour to two hours later than usual. That did not impact me on the time I woke up though-I was still at the gym at 4:15 so sleep was at a premium for the week. The usual routine is that when I get home from the gym I make some coffee, take a shower and begin the daily caffination.
On Wednesday I forgot to make the coffee before hitting the shower. Since the sitter was coming at 6:30 and I was racing for the 7:19 train (usually I am on the 7:57) I figured I would catch up with coffee in the city and skipped making the coffee.
With email across all the accounts tumbling in-some of it of the spam nature, some of it actionable, some it with me on the “CC” line so others can CYA and no coffee in the system I had enough. Right there on the train with two of my friends I declared it would be a non-email day.
A bold prediction for someone carrying the three phones, two laptops and iPad in their work bag that day.
As the morning train hit the platform in Penn Station I put some Grateful Dead on for the subway and headed off to be email free. I stopped to pick up a cup of coffee from the coffee cart lady and hit the office. As I did, I ran into one of the senior managers in my division at Verizon. He wanted to review a spreadsheet he had sent me earlier in the morning.
“Sounds great. Can you pull it up though? It’s a non-email day for me,” I told him.
“A what?” he asked.
“Never mind,” I said. ”Just let me get into this coffee.”
And so no-email day ended before 9AM and less than 10 minutes after hitting the office.
So last night was the second night of Passover and I accepted an invitation from a co-worker to join him and his family for a second night seder at his NYC apartment. In the days leading up to the holiday we talked about whether or not I would bring the girls with me.
Ultimately, I decided no. This was largely because I was concerned they would be the youngest children there. The next youngest would be my co-workers’ 15 year old daughter. Not that I think anything bad would have occurred mind you, it’s just that I did not want to take them to a spot where they did not know anyone and would feel uncomfortable.
As I was rolling home on the LIRR last night, I realized I erred on the side of over-protection.
It’s important to me to make sure I put the girls into a spots where they will succeed. But it’s also important to challenge them and push them to grow-and this was an opportunity lost.
And by no means was this a huge loss mind you, there will be more opportunities to bring them into more advanced social settings, but I have to make note to remember to give the girls a chance to grow and not worry as much about their being uncomfortable.
One of the things I have marveled at about my girls-from visiting Risa in hospice and helping her eat, to getting through the funeral and unveiling, to going away to sleep away camp-they are adaptive.
Sometimes like last night I need a reminder to let them adapt.
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