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It’s reality check Sunday here. Sitting out in the near future (excuse or enjoy the metaphor) like a giant Matzah ball is 11.5′s Bat Mitzvah. We know the date, we’ve known it for more than a couple of months. Still today was the official “kick-off” meeting at the temple for parents with children getting Bar or Bat Mitzvah in 2013.
And so the clock officially starts to tick.
Ready or not. We’ll have to pull a list together and figure out where to have the party (11.5 wants the full-on event, as of now 9.0 is thinking a nice get away). While 11.5 learns the prayers, Torah and Haftarah portions, we’ll also have to figure out flowers, invitations, party favors, party entertainment, dresses, shoes and I am sure a myriad of other stuff.
Some of it I am probably pretty qualified to help out with. I’m pretty sure I can help 11.5 with her speech and her Mitzvah project. I am reasonably sure on the actual party planning and finding the right entertainment package.
Flowers and dresses-well that’s going to be a problem.
Seating arrangements? There are still people who remind me how unhappy they were about seating at my wedding.
Then there is the other issue that I have to sort out-how to invoke Risa but not make it the focus of the event.
Ready or not, here we go.
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Among the aspects of life I am re-learning as a single guy in the first quarter of the 21st century is that I need to be able to relate with people from the confines of a relationship. Now you’d think after 10+ years of marriage, two kids and a plethora of professional experiences this would be easy. Guess what, it’s not.
There is such a difference even between relating to friends and relating when in a relationship that there is hardly a parallel to draw.
While yes, I was married for 13 years, the dynamic of the relationship-from partners to caregiver made the relating and relationship very different.
Yes, I do have two great girls. But relating father to daughter is different that relating one to one.
I’ve spent time thinking about relationships I’ve been in over the course of 40+ years-high school, college, post-college etc and I am pretty confident that along the line despite my best effort at screwing things up, I managed to succeed.
You’d think with all the worldly experience that comes with being mostly successful and north of 40 this would get easier…not so much. Even when aware of what is going on and making an effort to not repeat the relating sins of the past, there is a point that it all kind of falls apart.
Managing relationship has always been a challenge for me in every setting. By nature I am not overly outward. I try to be a good friend, a good father and a good other half of a relationship. But relating sometimes remains elusive.
So into a new phase of life I go, trying to be an old dog who can learn a new trick or two. So far, probably a work in progress at best.
Flipping through the Sunday Times (as I try to do each week), I stumbled upon (OK, in full disclosure this was handed to me more than I stumbled upon it) an interesting read in the Modern Love column by Dean Murphy who is listed as a New York Times editor. Now I do not know Dean to the best of my knowledge. But we do share the bond of being widowed with children at home.
According to the column, the Murphy’s lost their wife/mother a short time after a cancer diagnosis and just months before the Murphy;s would celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The vehicle of the column is how Dean kind of steps outside of himself as tears well up in his eyes watching the wedding video with his kids.
It’s a great read and is full of the insight that a single parent will have-that it’s a constant struggle to stay balanced.
The other memory this column kicked off for me though is the story of my wedding video, and I’ll kill the punchline now, it’s never been watched.
I am not an overly nostalgic. I am not really one to look back at pictures or videos anyway. But in the case of the wedding video, it was a kind of strange time-stranger than most go through for their wedding and year after and that could be among the reasons why the video has never been viewed.
Somewhere in the midst of the diagnosis and the first surgery we got the wedding video. At the time we decided very consciously not to watch it. We would watch it for our second anniversary-the surgery would be behind us and life would be ahead of us.
What we didn’t know, or didn’t hear about brain tumors though was that life was never really ahead of us. There was post diagnosis and post surgery life-13 years in fact. But that life was a constant cycle of tests and scans and doctors appointments. All those plans-including watching the video were kind of forgotten.
2012 would be our 15th wedding anniversary. The video is still in its white box. It’s been packed and unpacked many times.
And it remains un-played. Maybe I should transfer it to DVD or some other digital format, although I am still not sure if viewing it is in my future. Maybe the girls will ask about it, and I’ll pull it out. I’m not sure.
For now though, I know where it is.
I’ve spent the last 24 hours immersed in a sleep study. And let me tell you, right now sleep of any kind is what I need-studied or not.
I am pretty confident on the other side of all of this will be a good outcome. Actual restful sleep. But getting there is almost as bad as not getting any sleep. See all the wires in the picture? They all run to different leads connected around my head, chin, chest and legs. There’s a camera trained on my bed where my sleep is recorded, and all the movements I make are matched to the readings on the different monitors the wires connect.
When all is said and done, I’m pretty confident the diagnosis will be mild to moderate sleep apnea. The prescription will be one of those masks and possibly surgery to make a long-term correction.
A good friend bailed me out last night and stayed with the girls and got them off to school today. Hopefully that will work again in a couple of weeks when I come back in for the next phase-the actual treatment.
All of the sleep problems go back more than 10 years, which is really pretty impressive to think that I’ve managed to get through all that I’ve managed to get through with declining sleep.
I was kind of hoping as things settled down after Risa passed and life got back to normal, my sleep would too. It did not.
So finally, with cajoling from a friend or two, here I am.
I walked in at 830 last night and was fitted with all the leads and wires. Once the Giants cemented their trip to the Superbowl I climbed into bed. After some tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable with all this stuff on me I fell asleep. It was a usual night’s sleep which was interesting, I woke up tired and settled in for phase two of the testing.
During the day today, I am hanging out with all the wires and one other person and we take a 20 minute nap every two hours. Usually about the time I fall asleep the tech comes in and wakes me up-making my headache even worse.
In between, I am doing some work, updating my blog and otherwise trying to kill a couple of hours until the next nap. Shhhh, I’d love to be sleeping right now.
One of the toughest aspects of being a single parent is coping with the loss of the good cop/bad cop dynamic with your kids. Yes, traditionally kids will play their parents against one another, but just as likely and with more purpose parents will play these rolls with their kids.
From doing chores, to getting homework done to a visit to grandma’s house-in a solid working couple delivering the bad news is split so one parent does not have to be the one to take on all the gloom and doom.
For single parents, while there is no sounding board, there’s also no one to take on the opposite roll. So sometimes when a single parent needs that second voice to move a project along, get a result they want or just need to mix it up-they have to play both sides. The good cop this week, the bad cop next week and be the one cop all the time.
All of this is a little easier when time is on your side.
The case study for this was the first ski trip we took this season. Now last year (when there as actually snow) and we needed to get out of the house for the holiday break, I took the girls skiing for the first time and they loved it. We ended up skiing several times during the 2010-2011 winter. During our last trip in late March, we spend the day in a blizzard at Jimminy Peak in MA and had a great time. Except by the time we came off the mountain we were soaked and the shuttle from the lodge to the car had stopped running.
Tired, wet and in ski boots we lugged all our gear back to our car-and then 8.0 was not happy about it. In fact her hands got so cold they stung her and that was her last memory of skiing for the season. It’s also the one that set with her for the year.
Which brings us to September/October of this year when we got our skis for the season. There was some trepidation, but nothing that was unmanageable. Then two weeks after getting our gear came the proclamation from now 9.0, “I’m not going to ski this year.”
Time was on my side and 11.5 definitely was up for skiing. So it was on me to spend some time figuring out how to get 9.0 back on the slopes. The new wrinkle this year was the soon-to-be teen sister realizing she had a lever to make her little sister feel bad-so there was a lot of back and forth between the two.
For me, it was being the good cop. An understanding parent listening to the problems and helping 9.0 realize they were solvable. New gloves with liners would keep her hands warm. Warming up on the easy hills would give her a feel for the skis. Going up the night before would give her the feeling of a fun adventure.
Then there was the tougher side. We already rented your skis, if you don’t use them the money is coming out of your allowance. You’re going with us anyway and you can sit the lodge by yourself all day.
The balance is to not sound like you are schizophrenic delivering those messages-and sometimes they are in the same conversation.
It’s an art more than a discipline to have both the good cop and the bad cop rolled into one. Couples I know alternate the roles (we used to). But equally it’s about listening and knowing your subjects and the message you want to deliver.
The real win was seeing 9.0 remember how much she loves skiing and taking on the challenges. Frankly, she and her sister skied the crap out of an intermediate hill to end the day on a high note.
My girls are both big fans of iCarly, and honestly it is a very watchable show. I don’t mind when it’s on. Tonight was the iMeet the First Lady” episode with Michelle Obama-and it was pretty funny.
Then came the moment I shuddered. The big announcement from Fred. Fred the Show was about to premiere.
For those un-initiated to the world of Fred, it started out as a screaming kid doing web videos which became viral in the tween and pre-tween set. Here’s a sample:
Now the good news for this debut-it was mercifully short. Fred thinks the music teacher in his school is missing and he goes on an all out search for her. See which other Nick stars you can spot helping Fred out:
Fortunately, it’s all a big misunderstanding and only 15 minutes long. What will be very scary as a parent though is the Saturday morning when Sponge Bob is mixed in with Fred the Show. That will be a long morning for sure.
After a week-long business trip in Vegas, the thought was I’d be able to come home to a long weekend and kind of catch up. So much for best laid plans.
Yeah, there was plenty to catch up on from the week that was. The kicker though, the plan to take the MLK Day off and unwind has fallen apart. So, now it’s a work from home (WFH) day. The girls are off with friends and I have a full call docket.
Grinding from a week away to the daily grind and back into the work grind.
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As we move through life we all gather experiences that help us from who we are, and in many cases can give us a level of expertise in diverse areas. While we may not be recognized world leaders in a subject, when you get into your social circles, if you think about it some, no doubt you will have an expert on cooking, an expert on baking, an expert on banking and very likely an expert on cancer.
I admit, expert may be a little strong-perhaps its expertise (at least experience).
But what is not over-stated is when you need help, advice or insight into something you will reach into your social fabric and find the person whose opinion you respect and who you think will give you guidance to get you through an event, point in life or a moment in time.
While I like to talk about technology, social media and mobile; the area of expertise I am more often asked about is being there to support a partner with cancer and how to pick up the pieces when cancer strikes.
In fact, if it were not for the last two items on my list above you would not be reading this blog. Still, it’s not quite expertise I feel blessed to have. I do feel blessed in some way to be able to positively share my experiences and who knows perhaps even help someone who is facing the decisions I was forced to face.
The reality though is that every situation is just slightly different. And every situation has different factors that weigh against it-making even real-time experience in my mind somewhat suspect. Still, I know it has a calming effect to know someone has walked the walk ahead of you.
Over the last month or so, I’ve offered some thoughts and insights to four different people who are setting out on the post cancer diagnosis path. One is a single woman, two are young families and one is a single guy. Half of the people are friends of friends the others are friends of mine. It does not make the advice any different, it perhaps changes slightly the way it’s delivered though.
But I still have this nagging feeling that maybe I should not be in that business because the factors are different, and there is no doubt the outcomes will be different in some way, shape or form. Still there are the contestants: the treatment’s effects on patient and supporters; a feeling of helplessness when you ask a doctor what you think is a black and white question and get shades of gray as an answer; the stark reality that no matter what the outcome is things will be changed.
While I’d love to be known as an expert in the areas I have a passion, perhaps my calling is to be the reluctant expert in living day-to-day and just making today better than yesterday-because tomorrow is too far away to worry about.
At this moment, I am taking a time out from pulling things together (and perhaps packing) for what is my first significant business trip in a year or so. I’ve done some shorter trips-one and two-day and always relatively close to home. This time it’s 2/3′s across the country and for a week.
During different points of my career path-travel has been a significant player-and admittedly during the last three year’s it’s been a little tougher. Not the travel itself, but the getting the house lined up so I can be relatively worry free and focused on whatever business responsibilities I have ahead of me.
In talking to people I’ve worked with over the years who are married (either with or without kids at home), generally business trips are stressful. There’s the getting sh*t done before you leave, and the constant tug to be connected to home. It’s tough to turn that off and be 100% focused on business, but then is that really significantly different than the day-to-day grind?
For the single parent, along with fetching dry cleaning, making sure the underwear is clean, trying to narrow down the shoes that will make the trip, and the last-minute run to CVS (and the all important iPad movie rental purchases), there is also the home management.
Who’s going to be with the kids for the time? The assumption is this will be someone you trust so you should at least get on the plane with some clarity of mind and peace of heart. But then there’s also stocking the house with food, making sure all the carpools are covered, are there any school projects?, and then managing the stress on the kids-becuase it’s never easy on them.
And for the single parent, this comes after negotiating a regular week with all the challenges.
In temple last night I was idly chatting with someone and the subject of the kids came up (with regard to a temple event) and I mentioned I’d have to see what the girls were up to. The person-who did not know I was widowed-asked if it was my weekend with the kids. I responded it’s always my weekend.
Being a parent is 24/7-no one will doubt that. Being a single parent though at times is like 36/7, because there’s always slightly more to do and one more hurdle to overcome.
I got word last night that an old friend and colleague passed away after what must have been a gut wrenching time for her family. Nicole Nogid and I worked together what seems like a lifetime ago at News 12 Long Island.
Over the years, since we both left News 12 (and I did a return stint) and moved on with our lives, we did not stay particularly close, but from time to time we did manage to get in touch by email, the rare call and more recently (and more often) via Facebook or LinkedIn.
There are so many eloquent things that have been said about Nicole-and many of my former colleagues from my first News 12 Long Island days are saying them now-her smile, her laugh, her great disposition-I won’t try to echo those memories. They are true, very real and very much capture Nicole.
Along with a great working relationship (and a couple of local Emmy awards), Nicole and I shared a point in our lives that I know from my side very few know about. At about the same time I was working through the mental hopscotch of proposing to my wife, Nicole was in the process of becoming engaged and married.
For very different reasons neither of us had a great outcome to our married lives.
But I will always remember Nicole for taking the time to help me through the process of getting there-I am not sure I could have done it without out her.
We spent a lot of time-after working on scripts and editing video (Roosevelt School District stories for those with long memories) talking about relationships-which neither of us were very good at.
Over the New Year weekend, someone close to me joked that I compartmentalize things-I have a woman I go see when I need jewelry, there’s the woman who helps me at the dry cleaner, there’s the guy at the butcher counter at the produce and meat stores-and in that moment in time, there was Nicole the woman helping me a huge decision.
While life is not perfect-and Nicole would certainly admit to that as freely as I do-mine is better for having known Nicole. Thank you.
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